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2020, You Suck!

What a year this has been!

These days; the ones that seem to drag on and on and on and feel like they may never end have actually not been so bad. Looking back, I am grateful for the time it has given me with my family. The nights we sat playing board games because we couldn’t leave our house or sitting in my car having simple conversation and staring up at a moon that seemed so much more beautiful than usual as we ate a basket of rolls and waited for our turn in the restaurant wouldn’t have happened had it not been for this “new normal”.

Don’t get me wrong. I miss so much of our life. I miss hugs, and Tuesday nights, and being able to sneeze freely without everyone within a 6 foot radius staring at you like you just infected them with the plague.

I miss traveling. I actually miss crowded airports, and paying $18 for a terrible sandwich, and people watching.

I miss exploring new places.

In this time though, I have explored other places. Ones deep inside of me. Ones right outside my front door. Ones I wouldn’t have ever known existed had it not been for these last few months.

They say “hindsight is 20/20” and I cant think of a saying more appropriate for this year of 2020. I don’t usually believe in looking back – I mean, the past is the past and there isn’t anything you can do about it – but this time, I think it’s exactly what needs to be done. Now is the time to clear up any misconceptions, apologize for the mess ups, come clean about the things you’ve been holding on to, and then just let it all go…

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Seven Years

If we had known that a few weeks after this picture was taken our lives would be changed forever… I don’t know that we would have done anything differently. If we had, would it have made a difference? 

I use the term “we” loosely. No, it did not happen to one of my own children nor am I the one who’s had to adjust to this new life but I’d like to think that WE have been just as much a part of this journey as Rick and Roxanne

There is no handbook that tells you what the “right” thing is to do when your sons best friend/best friends son/yes,he’s my kid too has something as significant as this happen. There were days we didnt know whether to keep calling or give them space, times we weren’t sure if a night out was what was needed or to simply leave them alone. We handled the days as they came, one by one, trying to do what we thought was best in the manner we thought was appropriate. Sometimes that meant showing up with pizza and wine, completely unannounced, and other times it meant just sitting home wondering if everything was ok. And each decision we made ALWAYS left us questioning if it was the right one. 

Over the years, seven now, things have settled into somewhat of a routine; the unexpected visits are a little more expected. We no longer get annoyed (as much) when Rox doesn’t answer the phone or respond to a text for several days, although she knows I will show up with the police and a bat if TOO many days go by. We no longer avoid talking about THIS DAY and what happened. Instead we talk about what we’ve learned and what we miss. We (try) and focus on the good, like that smile that continues to light up every room he rolls into. 

We’ve learned to adapt and adjust and not freak out (as much) when he says he doesn’t feel well. I, specifically, learned that a frozen margarita pouch is great for getting body heat down (not so good for the margarita). 

We’ve learned to appreciate the changes that we, as friends and individuals, have made and learned what true admiration and bravery look like.  Vangie and I sat there in awe as Roxy finally found her voice, even if I was the first one she chose to use it on 😜

We learned that some days are good, and others, not so much. 

We learned this by example – Isaiah’s example. As we sat there and talked about what the next best move was, he sat there and stared at us like we were crazy, taking each day in stride, laughing at the wild suggestions we sometimes had for making HIM feel better…. And all along, it was him making US feel better. 

Alot has changed in seven years, the boys aren’t as close as they used to be but, my guess is, it would have happened eventually anyway. The girls may communicate more than ever but it’s not to talk about anything other than the love they have for a certain little someone who has brought us all so much joy, but US – our little group of friends – we are the same.. Still don’t talk every single day, still show up completely unannounced, and still drop whatever we are doing if we even THINK Rox needs a night out.

We still enjoy the not-so-funny jokes Isaiah tells- but we did stop pretending to laugh. And I still, to this day, feel nothing but enormous love for the kid who used to hide from me in my closet when he knew I was mad and pride for the young man I see before me.

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Vaccine #1 – √

I arrived at the testing center thirty minutes before my scheduled appointment; exactly as instructed. I was signed in and given the consent forms to read and sign – again.

After a few minutes I was taken to an exam room where I was greeted by a lovely young lady who asked me the most personal of questions. How many pregnancies? 3 How many kids? 3 Last period: 2006. Surgeries: 3 Allergies: none – you get the idea.

Shortly there after, a PA came in and did a complete physical exam. Lungs: clear, Heart: pumping, Ears and throat: all good… feet: slightly swollen but that always happens when I wear my Tieks.

Cleared to continue to the next round.

Since I no longer have to worry about a pregnancy test I can finally go to the bathroom. They decide to check my weight while en route, something I should have probably done AFTER I went, but ok. Still in the parameters… on to the next round.

Within a few minutes, two children, I mean, people (students, im guessing) walk in. One sticks a swab so far up my nose I swear he touched my eye ball. I had never felt such… discomfort. But he’s not done. He moves on to the next one. This one had to have touched my brain. He’s certainly been to places otherwise unknown – you can at least buy me dinner first- geez! Luckily, I am happily informed that this is, by far, the worst of it. (THANK GOD). And I guess it was… I did, however, have an ENORMOUS amount of blood drawn, 8 vials to be exact.

I had never been so happy to see two people leave. And I am a quarantined sales person – I NEED TO TALK TO PEOPLE – ANY PEOPLE – but these two were probably the last on that list. I, as cheerfully as I could muster, thanked them and sent them on their merry way. The door closed behind them and I was left to sit and wonder if I had any blood left. I tried to focus on the mission at hand and resist the the urge to get up and run. Thankfully, I didn’t have the energy to do that.

I sat there a few minutes more and another sweet, but obviously exhausted, person comes in and gives me a present. A gift card and a cookie! I wasn’t sure which one made me more excited. The cookie, definitely the cookie..As I am, once again, left to sit and ponder how in the world I had gotten myself into this, no longer feeling violated by the child with the swab and feeling the blood slowly start to replenish in my body, I grabbed a COSMO I had in my bag, sat back, enjoyed my cookie and waited. Again.

Few more minutes later and I get to go to “the back”. The back is where the vaccines are actually administered. The time had finally come.. As I am seated in one of the six massaging recliners, I realize that it reminds me of the place my mom would get her chemo administered. All that was missing were the IV poles and bags.. You know how all these chemo places always have that one nurse that is just a tad bit to chipper to be there? Well, yup, we had one of those, too. Jerry. Jerry would come in every few minutes with a new vaccine and holler, “we’re saving the world today, folks!” The first few times it happened, I giggled with delight. After a few minutes I just wanted Jerry to come in and do what he had to do…. no shouting necessary. We get it, Jerry.. 🙂

At exactly 6:35 pm, my vaccine was given. I had to turn away because I was not allowed to see the injection. Not any part of it. I guess this is what they mean when they say “blind study”. The most important part of the day was, in a nutshell, pretty routine. I didn’t feel much of anything.

So now I wait – for exactly 30 minutes. In those 30 minutes I see people being excused without much fanfare. The most complicated part was downloading the app, and that was mainly for the older generation. But after a few minutes, even they got it and were merrily sent on their way with instructions on what to look for, when to call, what to report, etc. It was all pretty cut and dry. Until they got to me….

Being the impatient person that I am, I had already set my timer – 7:05 was when I could leave. By 7 I had the app loaded, the activation key inputed, I had selected my security questions, and I was ready to go. 7:03 – it’s all ready to go but no vitals can be taken till EXACTLY 7:05, so we both wait.. staring at the clock, watching the minutes turn.

7:05, let’s do this. Temperature √ added to the app. Injection site clear: √ added to the app. Headaches, pain, blurry vision – nope – √ added to the app. I was already grabbing my bags and texting my mom that I was done when she tells me that the last thing to do was check my blood pressure. No problem, check away… hold up, 140something… hmmmm, let’s try this again with a different, smaller cuff… now its a higher 140something. I’m instructed to uncross my legs – yeah, that’s gotta be it- an even higher 140something. OK, time to go to a private room, doctors coming in from every direction. In the 45 seconds it took me to get from one room to the other, it had gone from the high 140’s to the 160’s..

More doctors called. I felt nothing. No headache, no ringing in my ears, no flushed face – I FELT PERFECTLY FINE.

They decide to let me sit in silence for a few minutes – I put my head back and try and think good thoughts. Within a few minutes, they come back in and try again. Still nope.

There is talk of me going to the hospital; I say no. More talk of me sitting there a few more HOURS; also no – IM VERY HUNGRY. I decide that that is what had to have done it and they agree to let me go with a follow up call in an hour and another in the morning. Agreed.

As I’m driving home I realize that today was possibly a little history in the making. I also decide I DESERVE, not only my mothers cooking but some Delia’s Tamales, as well.. and I smile a little. With a little bit of luck and a whole lot of expertise I know nothing about it’s very possible I did just help save the world. (ok, maybe a bit much, but I’m feeling all sorts of things, mainly hunger, so just go with it).

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Moderna COVID-19 Clinical Trial, Phase 3

It appears I am one of the 30,000 people taking part in phase 3 of this trial. My first injection will be administered on Monday, August 3rd @ 7am. Part of this trial involves keeping a log of the experience so consider this your warning.
If, for some reason, you don’t hear from me again after 7am on Aug 3rd- IT DID NOT GO WELL- and it was really nice knowing all of you! 🤷🏼‍♀️🙏🏻❤️

Much love, …

M

You can find more info about the trial in the link below.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2020/07/27/moderna-nih-launch-30000-person-trial-coronavirus-vaccine/?fbclid=IwAR3aYV_CMx6t9BI1cHnJaPxpO9sm7znU3BuXFaPWPwmbsfvGcbX1R0jJ-8E

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All Endings Are Also Beginnings

Today marks the ending of one chapter and the beginning of a new one. It’s not going to be easy; it already hurts like hell and I feel like I’m going to break in half any second but it’s happening. The thought that this is just the beginning sends shots of pain right through me.

I wish I could blame it all on someone else but I can’t. This was MY choice, MY doing. Whatever follows will be because of my actions (or lack of) so there is no one to blame, no excuses to give to myself or anyone else, no reason to even attempt to pretend it happened TO ME. Because it didn’t. On the contrary, everything that is about to follow in the coming days, weeks months; will be happening BECAUSE of me.

I’m hoping that in time I will find the peace I have so desperately been looking for and it will, even slightly, make up for everything that I am about to lose. I am hoping that within all the madness that’s about to ensue, I’ll find myself again.

I continue to remind myself that I NEED to be real. I, and all the people involved, the ones that make up every sliver of this shattered heart of mine, DESERVE for me to be real. This is not the time for messing around or beating around the bush in order to spare other people’s feelings. It’s the time to be completely honest. The band aid has been ripped off, the blood is oozing out, and I have no other choice but to follow through until all of the wounds have been healed.

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Life As We Know It…

I had, honestly, been taking all of this in stride, one day at a time, paying attention but not OBSESSED, but this SERIOUSLY breaks my heart. These kids are being robbed of a crucial college experience; major EARNED milestones like graduation and ring ceremonies will not be celebrated, housing situations are being left in chaos, friendships made will be left uncultivated, memories that should have happened, never will.. 

My daughter is one of the lucky ones. She can easily go back to her apartment and gather her things at her leisure. We have “decent” internet connections and ways to rectify the situation, if necessary. God willing, she will still have her commencement ceremony next spring and life will, eventually, go back to normal- whatever that may be- but for the others; you are and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, every minute of every day.. 

And yes, I still plan to go about my life. I wont let this virus control me or my family, nor will I live in fear that I’ll run out of toilet paper or food and start acting like a crazy ass fool (not anymore than usual, anyway). I’ll continue to use common sense (whatever I have left of it) I’ll continue to take all the necessary precautions, but I refuse to allow this to affect me or my family any more than it already has… life WILL go on. Just with a lot more hand sanitizer… 

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February Books

I guess the holidays really did me in because I cannot seem to get through one book, let alone four. Nonetheless, here are the books I read or am reading now.

The Book to Teach Me Something: Girl, Stop Apologizing By Rachel Hollis.

” … a wake-up call. She knows that many women have been taught to define themselves in light of other people—whether as wife, mother, daughter, or employee—instead of learning how to own who they are and what they want. With a challenge to women everywhere to stop talking themselves out of their dreams, Hollis identifies the excuses to let go of, the behaviors to adopt, and the skills to acquire on the path to growth, confidence, and believing in yourself.”

Just like her other book, Girl, Wash Your Face, there were parts I tolerated, parts I loved, and parts I could have done without.

I could have done without some of her personal stories, although, they did tie in well. What she considered “an excuse” isn’t always that.. sometimes they are actual REASONS why we cant do something at that particular moment, that doesn’t mean we are done with it for good – just delayed – and there were a few times I thought her logic was a bit skewed. HOWEVER, for the most part, I think it’s something I would encourage my own daughter to read. And I did find myself highlighting a few key parts. My favorite quote was this one:

“I’m grateful for the small spaces I’ve inhabited; they taught me how to grow.

I’m grateful for every misstep along the way; they taught me how to run.

I’m grateful for every moment of insecurity; they propelled me to gain a lifetime of confidence earned through practice and study. “

Rachel Hollis, Girl Stop Apologizing. Pg 58

In a nutshell, dont be afraid to screw up royally – there isn’t anything you do that can ruin your life FOREVER.

The Book to Take Me Away and the Book that’s Good For Me: Unfortunately, I STILL cannot get through Jodi Piccoult’s Small Great Things. I, honestly, can’t explain why, I just can’t. But I will.. eventually.

The Book That Is Just For Fun is just about to start. Elin Hildebrand’s Winter Solstice. I haven’t even cracked the cover yet but plan to start on a plane ride to Vegas tomorrow. I’ll keep ya posted!

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To Do List of 2020

I did one of these in 2018 and, to be honest, I sucked at it. I probably accomplished one thing off the list and, even then, it was about a year later.

I think my son accomplished another one. OK, he did… but it was still HIS accomplishment, not mine.

But, here we are; another DECADE upon us. And here I am, still making my damn lists.

So here goes – my To Do List of 2020.

  1. Finish up that gun class I took and actually learn how to use one. I mean, I am a LICENSED gun carrier person..
  2. Learn how to meditate – like for real, the right way – the kind where my soul actually leaves my body and does my body and my mind some good.
  3. Take a photography class.
  4. Go see Abraham-Hicks LIVE and IN PERSON.
  5. Pay off my Target card (odds are slim)
  6. Stay at a Bed and Breakfast
  7. Visit that Ice Castle Spa place
  8. See Magnolia Silos

That should do it for this year. If I can accomplish even HALF of these things; it’s gonna be a good year.

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What I want for Christmas this year:

1. To send my kids a text asking: what meals do you want me to make for you while you’re home?”  ✔️


2. Christmas music playing non stop – loud enough for everyone to hear no matter what room you’re in in this house. ✔️


3. To put clean, fuzzy sheets on a bed that hasn’t been slept in for a while. ✔️


4. Stockings hung by the chimney with care in hopes that the owners of those stockings will soon all be there.


5. To get this text from my kids simply saying: “heading home.”✔️


6. To bake batches of holiday cookies; even if they’re the ones from the package .✔️


7. For everyone who calls me “mom” to be asleep under my roof.


8. To have breakfast together every day… and include mimosas on most of them. 


9. More laundry in the washroom, more clothes and shoes thrown around the house, more cell

phones charging at every outlet not being used by a Christmas light.


10. The sound of all my children’s voices laughing together in the same room.


11. To go to bed at night without leaving my phone on because all the people who might need to call me at 3 a.m. are within earshot.


12. To need to buy more milk, more cereal, more laundry detergent, more toilet paper, and more—much, much more—pizza.


13. Family game night with all the players. 


14. To do everything on our “next time you’re home” list.

From my family to yours, Merry Christmas!

And a roomba..  😊❤️

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November ALREADY, Kindle Unlimited, & Marie Kondo

I cant believe we are already into November! It was just the other day I was writing about Back to Basics – Holy crap, it took me THAT long to actually get started! The year is almost OVER!

Anyway, in my long overdue journey of clearing out the crap I stumbled upon the cutest little woman named Marie. Everyone seems to love her and her videos made it seem so easy. Yes, I knew there would be some mess, I mean, you gotta break it all down to put it back together, right, but I NEVER expected it to be like this!

So I went back and watched the videos again. I HAD to be doing it wrong. Then I realized something; they never tell you how long it took! There was NO TIMELINE! How did I not notice this before?

That made me feel better but also made me feel worse. I wasn’t doing it wrong but this could, possibly, go on indefinitely. And in the meantime, I am losing my mind over the clutter.

I didn’t take before pics because I, honestly, swear to my God, thought I could do this in a night. I didn’t think it would be this hard..

But this is my progress so far (not much):

Started on Monday, November 4th –

I swear I worked on this aaalllll day and night but this was my progress on Tuesday.

It is now Monday, November 11th and I have yet to finish category 1 of this ordeal. I am, officially, scarred for life. Torching the house does NOT seem like a bad idea anymore.

Forget cancelling Kindle Unlimited because I somehow UPGRADED the damn thing! I dont know how and I am not even going to fight it. Instead, I have chosen to embrace it and read on! I have “listened” to more books than any one person should… and I don’t have to deal with said book when I hit THAT category of the Marie thing. #winning

I guess its back to working on learning how to fold the 27 grey t shirts that bring me joy…

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30 Days of Thankful – and why I almost didn’t do it.

Every November since 2012 I’ve done this 30 Days of Thankful thing.  It first started as a fb “challenge” from a friend and it quickly became one of my favorite things to do. One I usually look forward to all year long. 

This year, for some reason, I just didn’t want to do it. 

It’s been a rough year.  

Late last year my job structure changed and I’ve had a tough time adjusting to it and all the “freedom” it’s given me. I use that term loosely because, while I may have acquired the flexibility I cried about for DECADES, I lost the stability and structure I never knew I desperately needed. Yeah, came as a surprise to me too. 

My kids are all grown and doing their best to adjust to this adulting thing but, let’s be real here, they aren’t that great at it yet and they’ve made some really crappy decisions that have cost us lots of money and heart ache. Thank God you guys are super cute and that I have an amazing sense of humor (yes, I just complimented myself) because that’s, pretty much, what’s kept me from not beating all of their butts- you’re welcome. 😬

Sparing you the boring details, one, not quite completely insured car I still owe a substantial amount of money on, was totaled and the other car caught fire. Literally! And, of course, I was grateful everyone was ok and, of course, that’s what’s REALLY important but the damn car went up in flames. Big ones! I mean, come on, seriously??

I also realized I have zero budgeting abilities and my finances are in a state that’s pretty similar to that car that had to be SCOOPED off the expressway. Turns out I have a whole lot of stuff I don’t want or need, including 27 grey t shirts I bought from Facebook ads. Do I think they’re cute? Very. Will I ever wear them? Nope!

Seems like just when things are about to get better, something else falls apart. Like me, for example. 

I’m getting old and I’m not liking it very much. Botox has become my new favorite thing (someone stop me if I come anywhere remotely close to looking like the joker). I’m always tired, my blood pressure is high, I am pretty sure I’m in the beginning stages of menopause and I spend more time talking to my dog than I do anyone else (he’s an excellent listener, btw) because there’s only about a handful of people I don’t often want to punch in the face – and no, my kids are not always a part of that group. As a matter of fact, they are RARELY in that group.  (Mommy still loves ya, though!❤️❤️❤️) 

The passing of my stepfather was the hardest. Not only was he gone and I now had this huge hole in my heart but I had my mom being alone and the possibility of her moving in with me to add to my list of worries! (I still can’t tell you which scares me more ; her being alone or her wanting to live here!!! – love you mom!😊❤️😬)

And yes, I have had alot of really great times in between all of this stuff and I know how blessed I really am (I do know, I promise I do) I just hadn’t been feeling it a lot lately. But yesterday we got to do something really great for one kid and the other two were truly  happy for her and I realized that THAT was what mattered. My kids were (almost)well adjusted- not -a -danger- to -society- about -to -be -adult people that were genuinely HAPPY and there for each other when it mattered the most. 

As she drove away this morning, still glowing from yesterday’s events, and I realized that it was the 3rd of November and that today was my dads, Manuel’s 69th birthday and he was stronger and better than ever and all of those crappy things that happened could have, just possibly, made ME stronger and better, too! So I’m doing it; 3 days behind but that’s ok… sometimes you just have to take a minute (or 3 days or a month or a year or whatever) to make the decision that it’s time. Time to get your shit together and stop worrying about things that are out of your control and just be grateful for every good, hell, any half-way -decent -at -least -I’m -not- dead moment you got! 

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August and September Books because I just cant seem to figure out how to cancel Kindle Unlimited.

It appears I have a Kindle Unlimited account I just cannot seem to cancel (yes, I’ve tried – numerous times). For some reason, it just wont seem to go away. So I decided to actually USE it (crazy, I know).

In my quest to use this application I have, apparently, been paying for since 2016 I found that, not only can you download books, you can LISTEN to them too! Since my discovery I have listened to more books than I ever thought was possible! I have found myself making excuses to drive places just so I can finish up a book or two.

Unfortunately, I haven’t even finished reading the books I started in July – but that’s ok – they aren’t going anywhere. Read below to see why:

The Book to Teach Me Something: Unleash Your Inner Money Babe by Kathrin Zenkin. I already told you I have some serious spending issues. Issues that need to be resolved ASAP, as in NOW, I mean, I have been paying for Kindle Unlimited for YEARS and never used it. See- issues… I thought this book would help me dig deep into these issues but, nope, doesn’t seem to be working. I just cant seem to get through this thing! No idea why. I guess it’s just not as interesting as I thought it would be. Or I really am a lost cause.

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I still have it sitting here, on my desk, staring at me daily, just daring me to pick it up – and I will, eventually. I think.

In the meantime, I have read – listened to, actually -two books that fall into my Books That Are Just For Fun category.

My first Kindle Unlimited Audible Compatible book was The Overdue Life of Amy Byler by Kelly Harms.

Amy and I are kindred souls. There was so much of her I could relate to. There were a few times I wanted to BE her! Finding yourself, figuring out who you are when you aren’t a mother, and learning how to survive the inevitable; the moment you find out that your children have lives of their own and you have become nothing but a spectator. (ugh, that one hurt!) I couldn’t have said any better than she did below:

“the painful realization that your children need other people in their lives besides you, that soon you’ll be relegated to the sidelines of their adult lives and have no idea who you are anymore.” 

If I’m not the chauffeur, and cook (who are we kidding, the order taker is more like it), and pony tail maker – then who the hell am I?

This is about the time you start to look around at the people in your life. Specifically, your husband – and you wonder – who the hell is this guy? and where has he been all of this time? Sure, he’s been there – sort of – he yells at the kids when I dont want to and he goes on occasional family events when I make him but, who is he, really? Do I even like him?

“This man and I combined our genetics to make something greater than the sum of its parts. We made two children I love more than I have ever loved anything else…” 

In my case it’s three children but the concept is the same.

This book made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me feel sorry for her, it made me slightly jealous of her, and there were a few occasions my chest swelled with pride FOR her. My accidental purchase turned into a sweet and perfect 8 hour relationship I will treasure for ever.

My Kindle Unlimited account I can’t get rid of also led me to this off-the-wall surprise:

I’m Fine and Neither Are You really threw me for a loop right from the get go. Camille wasted no time in getting into the heart of the story by killing off one of the main characters in the first chapter. Although she (Jenny) remained part of the story, I have to admit, I was shocked by such a bold move. It’s been weeks since I read it and I still dont know what the REAL story line was. Was it how complicated and energy consuming marriage could be;

“But something between us had shifted over the course of our marriage, particularly the last two to three years. We had gone from being lovers to best friends to . . . roommates who routinely irritated each other.” 

That things weren’t always the way they appeared to be;

“and yet, you really didn’t know me”, Jenny said.

Or that all you have to do is look past all of the day to day mess and focus on the good stuff and you will be ok?

“This is not a test. Life is messy and sometimes tragic and often just plain hard for a woman to weather. But when you step back for a moment, the whole of it is incredibly beautiful—and that is what we must choose to focus on.” 

Whatever you take away from it – I hope it’s something positive. I’m still trying..

The Book to Take Me Away and the Book that’s Good For Me are one in the same and I still haven’t finished it. That’s not really a surprise as I have this trouble with ALL of Jodi Piccoult’s books. But for some reason small great things. has been tougher than most. I am determined to finish it this month, though – for sure!

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Being Stuck….

I saw this picture on Pinterest of a person stuck in a jar. The quote read “I feel like I am stuck in a glass jar. I can see what I want or need to do, yet I cannot reach it.” Holy crap! After months of trying to describe how I am feeling THIS random picture did it for me! This is EXACTLY how I feel; like I’m stuck in this world where my days go on and on and I am trapped in this merry go round I just cant seem to get off on.

There are days the dizziness is just too much. So much that I actually get nauseous. Then there are days the lid is so tight I cant even breathe. On the outside, everything looks fine. Actually, everything IS fine. I have a job I love, I have the set up I had prayed for for years. I have amazing friends, healthy kids, a home I feel blessed to live in. I drive my dream car. And yet, I still feel “off”.

If I were to take a page from my LOA book I would say I am not “in alignment”. So my question now is; how in the hell do I get “aligned” because I’m about to blow this lid off and turn my entire world upside down! Or I’m going to die… at this point, it could go either way.

Three Years _ 2016

It’s been three years….

Three years sounds like a long time, but it actually got here in the blink of an eye. And in that blink I have learned so much…

I learned that things don’t always turn out the way you had planned or the way you think they should, but life still goes on.
I learned that some broken things can easily be put back together and some require a lot more work and sometimes still don’t get fixed.
I learned that sometimes we have to experience things we don’t understand and that it’s ok to ask questions you may never get the answers to.

But most importantly, I learned that you can get through the really bad times, and even start enjoying some of the good times, as long as you have people in your life who love you.

I continue to be in awe of his spirit and sense of humor. He continues to be my hero and one of the loves of my life. And I will forever hold dear all of the lessons these three years have taught me and hope for nothing more than a life filled with gratitude and love.

On this day, two years ago… 2015

On this day, two years ago, our lives were forever changed. Although I was just an outsider looking in my heart was shattered into a million pieces and my faith in “Gods Plan” was doubted. But on this day, two years ago, I also saw a community come together, rivals stand together in prayer, and felt HIS presence like never before. Since that day I have learned to find peace and joy in the simple things, learned to appreciate the moments of calmness that have become so rare in my life, and take each day with grace and an understanding that things can change in a second. At the end of it all, your family and friends are what matter, love is what matters, and quality is way more meaningful than quantity.

River Time

Had such a great weekend doing nothing but enjoying what the good Lord gave us….

Yes, I know it sounds like a bad country song and I would normally NEVER post anything so cheesy (yeah, right) here but I start my vaccine trial TOMORROW and I’m feeling a little bit of everything so I allowed myself a pass just this one time.. 

It seems as though I’ve heard of more deaths this past week alone and it seems to be hitting closer and closer to home making me, both, more terrified and even more inclined to do it.. 

So, yeah, that’s it. 🤷🏼‍♀️ #grateful

Meredith Grey

Since my daughter has been home we’ve all been watching Grey’s Anatomy. Every. Single. Day. I stopped watching it years ago because Meredith got on my nerves and I swear I wanted to punch her in the face by the end of every episode – so I just stopped watching – cold turkey. But, when my kid takes over the tv; you’re kinda stuck watching what she wants. And this is what she wanted. She actually started it from Season One, Episode One. By Season 16 I was pretty confident I could be a surgeon myself.

Turns out there was alot I missed. I swear that show drained me. I would, literally, be exhausted after watching it. A part of me wanted to be friends with all of them and another part was scared to actually have them as real doctors because they did not know how to follow ANY rules. And they weren’t even good at trying to get away with it…

But then one day, Meredith said something that really resonated with me.. she said:

“Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is, appreciating small victories and Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human” ~ Meredith Grey

With everything going on right now, I thought, holy crap, she’s right! Let’s stop focusing on every bad thing that’s been happening, Lord knows, there has been a-lot, and let’s start focusing on the good; no matter how insignificant it may be. So that’s what Im doing; remembering to be thankful.

Im thankful for the familiar things I know and I’m thankful for the things I may never know. I’m thankful for the people in my life, the memories we’ve made and the ones we have yet to make. 

At the end of the day, the fact that we have the ability and the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

Is this our new “normal”?

I read an article on the lasting impact this virus is going to have on us and how we do business. For the most part, I agreed with everything the author said; expect for one thing… 

She stated that “the comfort of being in the presence of others will be replaced by a greater comfort with absence….” Instead of asking, “Is there a reason to do this online?” we’ll be asking, “Is there any good reason to do this in person?”

While, at this particular moment, distance is, unfortunately, necessary, I PRAY that it is not a replacement for actual human interaction. I still believe that putting a face to the name of someone I have been interacting with for months is important. I still believe that a hug from a colleague you’ve worked with for decades means something. I still WANT to be able to sit down at a table with that team you’ve come to think of as family and talk about our (crazy)lives.. I still want to drive Marcus Ramirez crazy with the things I agree to because I, honestly, believe he CAN do anything and everything “ASAP”. 

All I am saying is that, when all of this over, I hope we go back to the way things were because the way they were wasn’t bad. It was REAL. It was US. And I happen to like us… a lot.