All Endings Are Also Beginnings

Today marks the ending of one chapter and the beginning of a new one. It’s not going to be easy; it already hurts like hell and I feel like I’m going to break in half any second but it’s happening. The thought that this is just the beginning sends shots of pain right through me.

I wish I could blame it all on someone else but I can’t. This was MY choice, MY doing. Whatever follows will be because of my actions (or lack of) so there is no one to blame, no excuses to give to myself or anyone else, no reason to even attempt to pretend it happened TO ME. Because it didn’t. On the contrary, everything that is about to follow in the coming days, weeks months; will be happening BECAUSE of me.

I’m hoping that in time I will find the peace I have so desperately been looking for and it will, even slightly, make up for everything that I am about to lose. I am hoping that within all the madness that’s about to ensue, I’ll find myself again.

I continue to remind myself that I NEED to be real. I, and all the people involved, the ones that make up every sliver of this shattered heart of mine, DESERVE for me to be real. This is not the time for messing around or beating around the bush in order to spare other people’s feelings. It’s the time to be completely honest. The band aid has been ripped off, the blood is oozing out, and I have no other choice but to follow through until all of the wounds have been healed.

Meredith Grey

Since my daughter has been home we’ve all been watching Grey’s Anatomy. Every. Single. Day. I stopped watching it years ago because Meredith got on my nerves and I swear I wanted to punch her in the face by the end of every episode – so I just stopped watching – cold turkey. But, when my kid takes over the tv; you’re kinda stuck watching what she wants. And this is what she wanted. She actually started it from Season One, Episode One. By Season 16 I was pretty confident I could be a surgeon myself.

Turns out there was alot I missed. I swear that show drained me. I would, literally, be exhausted after watching it. A part of me wanted to be friends with all of them and another part was scared to actually have them as real doctors because they did not know how to follow ANY rules. And they weren’t even good at trying to get away with it…

But then one day, Meredith said something that really resonated with me.. she said:

“Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is, appreciating small victories and Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human” ~ Meredith Grey

With everything going on right now, I thought, holy crap, she’s right! Let’s stop focusing on every bad thing that’s been happening, Lord knows, there has been a-lot, and let’s start focusing on the good; no matter how insignificant it may be. So that’s what Im doing; remembering to be thankful.

Im thankful for the familiar things I know and I’m thankful for the things I may never know. I’m thankful for the people in my life, the memories we’ve made and the ones we have yet to make. 

At the end of the day, the fact that we have the ability and the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

November ALREADY, Kindle Unlimited, & Marie Kondo

I cant believe we are already into November! It was just the other day I was writing about Back to Basics – Holy crap, it took me THAT long to actually get started! The year is almost OVER!

Anyway, in my long overdue journey of clearing out the crap I stumbled upon the cutest little woman named Marie. Everyone seems to love her and her videos made it seem so easy. Yes, I knew there would be some mess, I mean, you gotta break it all down to put it back together, right, but I NEVER expected it to be like this!

So I went back and watched the videos again. I HAD to be doing it wrong. Then I realized something; they never tell you how long it took! There was NO TIMELINE! How did I not notice this before?

That made me feel better but also made me feel worse. I wasn’t doing it wrong but this could, possibly, go on indefinitely. And in the meantime, I am losing my mind over the clutter.

I didn’t take before pics because I, honestly, swear to my God, thought I could do this in a night. I didn’t think it would be this hard..

But this is my progress so far (not much):

Started on Monday, November 4th –

I swear I worked on this aaalllll day and night but this was my progress on Tuesday.

It is now Monday, November 11th and I have yet to finish category 1 of this ordeal. I am, officially, scarred for life. Torching the house does NOT seem like a bad idea anymore.

Forget cancelling Kindle Unlimited because I somehow UPGRADED the damn thing! I dont know how and I am not even going to fight it. Instead, I have chosen to embrace it and read on! I have “listened” to more books than any one person should… and I don’t have to deal with said book when I hit THAT category of the Marie thing. #winning

I guess its back to working on learning how to fold the 27 grey t shirts that bring me joy…

30 Days of Thankful – and why I almost didn’t do it.

Every November since 2012 I’ve done this 30 Days of Thankful thing.  It first started as a fb “challenge” from a friend and it quickly became one of my favorite things to do. One I usually look forward to all year long. 

This year, for some reason, I just didn’t want to do it. 

It’s been a rough year.  

Late last year my job structure changed and I’ve had a tough time adjusting to it and all the “freedom” it’s given me. I use that term loosely because, while I may have acquired the flexibility I cried about for DECADES, I lost the stability and structure I never knew I desperately needed. Yeah, came as a surprise to me too. 

My kids are all grown and doing their best to adjust to this adulting thing but, let’s be real here, they aren’t that great at it yet and they’ve made some really crappy decisions that have cost us lots of money and heart ache. Thank God you guys are super cute and that I have an amazing sense of humor (yes, I just complimented myself) because that’s, pretty much, what’s kept me from not beating all of their butts- you’re welcome. 😬

Sparing you the boring details, one, not quite completely insured car I still owe a substantial amount of money on, was totaled and the other car caught fire. Literally! And, of course, I was grateful everyone was ok and, of course, that’s what’s REALLY important but the damn car went up in flames. Big ones! I mean, come on, seriously??

I also realized I have zero budgeting abilities and my finances are in a state that’s pretty similar to that car that had to be SCOOPED off the expressway. Turns out I have a whole lot of stuff I don’t want or need, including 27 grey t shirts I bought from Facebook ads. Do I think they’re cute? Very. Will I ever wear them? Nope!

Seems like just when things are about to get better, something else falls apart. Like me, for example. 

I’m getting old and I’m not liking it very much. Botox has become my new favorite thing (someone stop me if I come anywhere remotely close to looking like the joker). I’m always tired, my blood pressure is high, I am pretty sure I’m in the beginning stages of menopause and I spend more time talking to my dog than I do anyone else (he’s an excellent listener, btw) because there’s only about a handful of people I don’t often want to punch in the face – and no, my kids are not always a part of that group. As a matter of fact, they are RARELY in that group.  (Mommy still loves ya, though!❤️❤️❤️) 

The passing of my stepfather was the hardest. Not only was he gone and I now had this huge hole in my heart but I had my mom being alone and the possibility of her moving in with me to add to my list of worries! (I still can’t tell you which scares me more ; her being alone or her wanting to live here!!! – love you mom!😊❤️😬)

And yes, I have had alot of really great times in between all of this stuff and I know how blessed I really am (I do know, I promise I do) I just hadn’t been feeling it a lot lately. But yesterday we got to do something really great for one kid and the other two were truly  happy for her and I realized that THAT was what mattered. My kids were (almost)well adjusted- not -a -danger- to -society- about -to -be -adult people that were genuinely HAPPY and there for each other when it mattered the most. 

As she drove away this morning, still glowing from yesterday’s events, and I realized that it was the 3rd of November and that today was my dads, Manuel’s 69th birthday and he was stronger and better than ever and all of those crappy things that happened could have, just possibly, made ME stronger and better, too! So I’m doing it; 3 days behind but that’s ok… sometimes you just have to take a minute (or 3 days or a month or a year or whatever) to make the decision that it’s time. Time to get your shit together and stop worrying about things that are out of your control and just be grateful for every good, hell, any half-way -decent -at -least -I’m -not- dead moment you got! 

Being Stuck….

I saw this picture on Pinterest of a person stuck in a jar. The quote read “I feel like I am stuck in a glass jar. I can see what I want or need to do, yet I cannot reach it.” Holy crap! After months of trying to describe how I am feeling THIS random picture did it for me! This is EXACTLY how I feel; like I’m stuck in this world where my days go on and on and I am trapped in this merry go round I just cant seem to get off on.

There are days the dizziness is just too much. So much that I actually get nauseous. Then there are days the lid is so tight I cant even breathe. On the outside, everything looks fine. Actually, everything IS fine. I have a job I love, I have the set up I had prayed for for years. I have amazing friends, healthy kids, a home I feel blessed to live in. I drive my dream car. And yet, I still feel “off”.

If I were to take a page from my LOA book I would say I am not “in alignment”. So my question now is; how in the hell do I get “aligned” because I’m about to blow this lid off and turn my entire world upside down! Or I’m going to die… at this point, it could go either way.

Less is more..

At the beginning of this year, I wrote Back to Basics . This basically described my plan to take it down a notch; a streamlining of sorts..

Since then I stumbled across the cutest lady on Netflix who was all about this. Marie Kondo describes how everything in your “space” has one purpose and that’s to bring you joy.. OK, I get that.. So where do I start?

First thing Marie tells you is NOT to sort by location but by category.

OK – so what’s bugging me the most right now?

Shoes! I have sooo many and I always wear the same ones (Tieks, in case you are wondering) which I keep in a bin. Right now I don’t know if I wear them because I really do love them or because they are the easiest to get to.

Anyway, here we go..

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These are the shoes in ONE of my THREE closets. I sorted and found that I, pretty much, hated most of them. I gave a few to my mom, put a few on Poshmark, and donated the rest… this is all I have left.

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Do I feel better? Lil bit.. Question is, where do I go from here?

Ctrl, Alt, Delete –

I’m a NEW MAC user… until about a year ago I was a Windows person all the way. Ctrl, Alt, Delete was a lifesaver. It’s how you “reboot” the system and start over. Clean slate.. Brand-spanking new. I was looking for the same combination on my MAC when it hit me… I need one of those for my life!

The last few years have been rough. I have been in this state of “existing” for a while. I’m there, I am enjoying myself (for the most part) but I have been feeling as though something is missing and I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.  I’ve tried meditation, which I have yet to master because I cannot for the life of me close my eyes. I have been meaning to try yoga but never made it to a class though I’ve carried a bag around with clothes and a mat for about 3 months now. I have done the journaling, I go to church, I read ALOT… and I still can’t figure out what it is that’s missing. Don’t get me wrong. I am a happy person. I love my family. I love my house. I love my life – but why do I have this tugging feeling that something is just not right? And how the hell can I figure out what it is? And if I ever do, how do I fix it WITHOUT going all Thelma and Louise on my fam?

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https://youtu.be/-dUYR2apxdA

A while back I started reading up on the Law of Attraction. You can read more about that here. Honestly, it’s freaking hard. I try to be positive, I swear I do. I visualize like I’m supposed to. I even made a vision board! See it here… And trust me, no one is more ready to ACCEPT than I am, but still… I can’t seem to find THAT place (or what I have recently learned is called the “Vortex”). I have bought the books, I listen to podcasts every time in the car, which is a lot, and I still can’t seem to get into that groove of “being”. WTF! Why is this so damn hard for me?

Because nothing seemed to be working I went ahead and shelled out some major bucks to get training from someone who is supposed to be the best. She’s cool – I like her- I mean, from what I can tell on her daily pre-recorded videos she looks like the kind of person I could chill with. She tells me she loves me. (I’m on day 9 and that shit is already getting old) And, I have to admit, she has sorta inspired me; even got me thinking about childhood stuff and thinking that maybe it isn’t all me – we always gotta blame the parents somehow.. but still… nada, zip, zilch! NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Except for one important lesson I will share with you now…

If you want to “reboot” your life do this: think about your positive and negative experiences, people, activities, and habits. Write them all down. When you figure out what parts of your life are no longer serving you, remove them.

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Those Facebook friends that make you cringe every time they post something stupid or yet another selfie because we just didn’t get enough of the 5 million they posted the day before (I mean, really, can’t one of your 4000 friends take a picture of you?). All of those emails you get because you hit the “subscribe now” button (except for this one) that do nothing but clutter up your inbox. And especially all those apps on your phone that have the “update me” dot screaming at you constantly though you never do because you don’t actually use it and you really have no idea what it’s for, REMOVE THEM. REMOVE THEM ALL.

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Sounds simple enough, right? Well, it’s not. If you are anything like me you’ll feel horrible deleting that person you don’t actually know but feel that you must have known them in some past life because you have 162 mutual friends. And that app; you may have that nagging feeling that you might actually need it one day (you can reload it, btw). Those emails, well, odds are slim you are ever going to win that jackpot, the coupon you’ve been saving is probably expired, and you may as well take your chances on that chain letter you never forwarded. So now is the time to put your big girl (or boy) undies on and do like Nike; “JUST DO IT”.

It’s important to remember that there is no right time or way to do this. It’s ok to feel a little sad and even a tinge of regret for a few minutes.. THEN GET OVER IT. Time to focus on the other side of the list. The one that brought you joy. The one that serves a purpose. THOSE are the ones we want to keep.

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Law of Attraction – how hard could it be?

So I have been on this magical “transformation” of living with gratitude and positive thinking. It’s actually a lot harder than it sounds.. And, depending on the day, its down right impossible.
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So, basically, the entire program can be summed up in three words..
*Believe
*Gratitude
*Visualize

#1 First and foremost, you need to BELIEVE. If you don’t believe, you don’t receive. (that’s what I tell my grown kids about Santa at Christmas)

#2. You need to learn to live each day with GRATITUDE. Be grateful for everything you see and hear… and I mean EVERYTHING.

#3 You have to VISUALIZE.. see it, believe it.. feel it… know it..

 

That’s it! Get those three things in order and you are well on your way to having it all. Or so they say.

Allow me to explain (at least in the way I understand it).

 First, you need to BELIEVE. 

Believe that you are the only person responsible for the life you have and the only person responsible for the life you want. No one else but you.  This part is easy as I have always believed that to be true. You feel fat; stop eating. You hate your job; find another one and quit. You cant stand your parents; MOVE OUT..
The same goes for what you want. You want a new car; save your money. You want to travel the world; well, save your money for that, too. You want to be happy; smile more and stop complaining. 🙂
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The LOA basically says that Only YOU can attract the good, the bad, and the ugly. And only YOU can attract the amazing, the exciting, and the fabulousness you want. Think those things and nothing else… and I mean, NOTHING else. Sounds easy, right? It’s not. When you have worried about things your entire life, it’s hard to just stop. And as much as I want to just quit my job and run off to see the world, I cant. I have two kids in college and a mortgage and 4 car payments, and two apartments, and… I could go on and on but I wont because that would mean i’m FOCUSING on the bad and I am not allowed to do  that.  Instead, I am to choose to focus on the fact that, although  some months are rough, I am still managing to do ALL of those things and still get to see some parts of the world every now and then. And for that I need to be GRATEFUL.
Which leads me to point #2..

Learn to live each day with gratitude. 

Everyday I start by writing in my newly purchased Gratitude Journal. There are days I sit there and stare at the blank pages looking for something, ANYTHING, to write down. Of course, there are the usuals; thankful for my family, my friends, my dog, etc. That’s the easy part. Coming up with others is where the hard part comes in. It’s only been a few weeks but I can already tell what days were better than others just by my entrees… “thankful for the sunlight” – “thankful I didn’t have to stop and put gas in my car” – yeah, those days were clearly not so great.
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The goal here is to focus on the good – even if it’s just that the dog only ate one shoe and not both (yes, that happened to me) and NOT focus on the fact that he ate a shoe at all.. See how it can get sorta hard?
As you begin to fill your thoughts with gratitude and joy you’ll find that this feeling begins to expand and “attracts” even more things to be grateful and joyous over. This continues until your grateful and joyous world is overflowing with love and abundance!!!  (OH HAPPY DAY!)

Visualize it.

The last part of this is the Vision Board.  I had these grand plans of a peg board with a bunch of pictures but I never quite got around to that..eventually, I will, I promise..but as of right now all I have to reference is a “virtual” board on Pinterest and a makeshift one on my planner. I hear there are classes and stuff on this you can take and it’s supposed to be “life changing” but I haven’t found the time or the energy to actually do that. Again, “one day”. f90480071a08306bbc79112e208683de
Now this one seems pretty self explanatory. I am a BIG believer in lists – lists of things I NEED to do, lists of things I WANT to do, and lists of things I just want. I am also a believer of writing down your goals only makes them more real, more concrete, more definite. The hard part with this particular version is that you need to be clear. You need to be specific. You need to know EXACTLY what you want. How you will get it is of no consequence and does not matter, but you do need to know what you want. So writing “I want to be happy” wont cut it. You need to know what it will take to make you happy and write that.
Well, I hope this helps make things a little clearer and I hope when you see me forcing a smile across my face you will know why.
I also hope that in time I wont have to force it very hard.
One day at a time..