Meredith Grey

Since my daughter has been home we’ve all been watching Grey’s Anatomy. Every. Single. Day. I stopped watching it years ago because Meredith got on my nerves and I swear I wanted to punch her in the face by the end of every episode – so I just stopped watching – cold turkey. But, when my kid takes over the tv; you’re kinda stuck watching what she wants. And this is what she wanted. She actually started it from Season One, Episode One. By Season 16 I was pretty confident I could be a surgeon myself.

Turns out there was alot I missed. I swear that show drained me. I would, literally, be exhausted after watching it. A part of me wanted to be friends with all of them and another part was scared to actually have them as real doctors because they did not know how to follow ANY rules. And they weren’t even good at trying to get away with it…

But then one day, Meredith said something that really resonated with me.. she said:

“Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is, appreciating small victories and Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human” ~ Meredith Grey

With everything going on right now, I thought, holy crap, she’s right! Let’s stop focusing on every bad thing that’s been happening, Lord knows, there has been a-lot, and let’s start focusing on the good; no matter how insignificant it may be. So that’s what Im doing; remembering to be thankful.

Im thankful for the familiar things I know and I’m thankful for the things I may never know. I’m thankful for the people in my life, the memories we’ve made and the ones we have yet to make. 

At the end of the day, the fact that we have the ability and the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

Life As We Know It…

I had, honestly, been taking all of this in stride, one day at a time, paying attention but not OBSESSED, but this SERIOUSLY breaks my heart. These kids are being robbed of a crucial college experience; major EARNED milestones like graduation and ring ceremonies will not be celebrated, housing situations are being left in chaos, friendships made will be left uncultivated, memories that should have happened, never will.. 

My daughter is one of the lucky ones. She can easily go back to her apartment and gather her things at her leisure. We have “decent” internet connections and ways to rectify the situation, if necessary. God willing, she will still have her commencement ceremony next spring and life will, eventually, go back to normal- whatever that may be- but for the others; you are and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, every minute of every day.. 

And yes, I still plan to go about my life. I wont let this virus control me or my family, nor will I live in fear that I’ll run out of toilet paper or food and start acting like a crazy ass fool (not anymore than usual, anyway). I’ll continue to use common sense (whatever I have left of it) I’ll continue to take all the necessary precautions, but I refuse to allow this to affect me or my family any more than it already has… life WILL go on. Just with a lot more hand sanitizer… 

What I want for Christmas this year:

1. To send my kids a text asking: what meals do you want me to make for you while you’re home?”  ✔️


2. Christmas music playing non stop – loud enough for everyone to hear no matter what room you’re in in this house. ✔️


3. To put clean, fuzzy sheets on a bed that hasn’t been slept in for a while. ✔️


4. Stockings hung by the chimney with care in hopes that the owners of those stockings will soon all be there.


5. To get this text from my kids simply saying: “heading home.”✔️


6. To bake batches of holiday cookies; even if they’re the ones from the package .✔️


7. For everyone who calls me “mom” to be asleep under my roof.


8. To have breakfast together every day… and include mimosas on most of them. 


9. More laundry in the washroom, more clothes and shoes thrown around the house, more cell

phones charging at every outlet not being used by a Christmas light.


10. The sound of all my children’s voices laughing together in the same room.


11. To go to bed at night without leaving my phone on because all the people who might need to call me at 3 a.m. are within earshot.


12. To need to buy more milk, more cereal, more laundry detergent, more toilet paper, and more—much, much more—pizza.


13. Family game night with all the players. 


14. To do everything on our “next time you’re home” list.

From my family to yours, Merry Christmas!

And a roomba..  😊❤️

November ALREADY, Kindle Unlimited, & Marie Kondo

I cant believe we are already into November! It was just the other day I was writing about Back to Basics – Holy crap, it took me THAT long to actually get started! The year is almost OVER!

Anyway, in my long overdue journey of clearing out the crap I stumbled upon the cutest little woman named Marie. Everyone seems to love her and her videos made it seem so easy. Yes, I knew there would be some mess, I mean, you gotta break it all down to put it back together, right, but I NEVER expected it to be like this!

So I went back and watched the videos again. I HAD to be doing it wrong. Then I realized something; they never tell you how long it took! There was NO TIMELINE! How did I not notice this before?

That made me feel better but also made me feel worse. I wasn’t doing it wrong but this could, possibly, go on indefinitely. And in the meantime, I am losing my mind over the clutter.

I didn’t take before pics because I, honestly, swear to my God, thought I could do this in a night. I didn’t think it would be this hard..

But this is my progress so far (not much):

Started on Monday, November 4th –

I swear I worked on this aaalllll day and night but this was my progress on Tuesday.

It is now Monday, November 11th and I have yet to finish category 1 of this ordeal. I am, officially, scarred for life. Torching the house does NOT seem like a bad idea anymore.

Forget cancelling Kindle Unlimited because I somehow UPGRADED the damn thing! I dont know how and I am not even going to fight it. Instead, I have chosen to embrace it and read on! I have “listened” to more books than any one person should… and I don’t have to deal with said book when I hit THAT category of the Marie thing. #winning

I guess its back to working on learning how to fold the 27 grey t shirts that bring me joy…

30 Days of Thankful – and why I almost didn’t do it.

Every November since 2012 I’ve done this 30 Days of Thankful thing.  It first started as a fb “challenge” from a friend and it quickly became one of my favorite things to do. One I usually look forward to all year long. 

This year, for some reason, I just didn’t want to do it. 

It’s been a rough year.  

Late last year my job structure changed and I’ve had a tough time adjusting to it and all the “freedom” it’s given me. I use that term loosely because, while I may have acquired the flexibility I cried about for DECADES, I lost the stability and structure I never knew I desperately needed. Yeah, came as a surprise to me too. 

My kids are all grown and doing their best to adjust to this adulting thing but, let’s be real here, they aren’t that great at it yet and they’ve made some really crappy decisions that have cost us lots of money and heart ache. Thank God you guys are super cute and that I have an amazing sense of humor (yes, I just complimented myself) because that’s, pretty much, what’s kept me from not beating all of their butts- you’re welcome. 😬

Sparing you the boring details, one, not quite completely insured car I still owe a substantial amount of money on, was totaled and the other car caught fire. Literally! And, of course, I was grateful everyone was ok and, of course, that’s what’s REALLY important but the damn car went up in flames. Big ones! I mean, come on, seriously??

I also realized I have zero budgeting abilities and my finances are in a state that’s pretty similar to that car that had to be SCOOPED off the expressway. Turns out I have a whole lot of stuff I don’t want or need, including 27 grey t shirts I bought from Facebook ads. Do I think they’re cute? Very. Will I ever wear them? Nope!

Seems like just when things are about to get better, something else falls apart. Like me, for example. 

I’m getting old and I’m not liking it very much. Botox has become my new favorite thing (someone stop me if I come anywhere remotely close to looking like the joker). I’m always tired, my blood pressure is high, I am pretty sure I’m in the beginning stages of menopause and I spend more time talking to my dog than I do anyone else (he’s an excellent listener, btw) because there’s only about a handful of people I don’t often want to punch in the face – and no, my kids are not always a part of that group. As a matter of fact, they are RARELY in that group.  (Mommy still loves ya, though!❤️❤️❤️) 

The passing of my stepfather was the hardest. Not only was he gone and I now had this huge hole in my heart but I had my mom being alone and the possibility of her moving in with me to add to my list of worries! (I still can’t tell you which scares me more ; her being alone or her wanting to live here!!! – love you mom!😊❤️😬)

And yes, I have had alot of really great times in between all of this stuff and I know how blessed I really am (I do know, I promise I do) I just hadn’t been feeling it a lot lately. But yesterday we got to do something really great for one kid and the other two were truly  happy for her and I realized that THAT was what mattered. My kids were (almost)well adjusted- not -a -danger- to -society- about -to -be -adult people that were genuinely HAPPY and there for each other when it mattered the most. 

As she drove away this morning, still glowing from yesterday’s events, and I realized that it was the 3rd of November and that today was my dads, Manuel’s 69th birthday and he was stronger and better than ever and all of those crappy things that happened could have, just possibly, made ME stronger and better, too! So I’m doing it; 3 days behind but that’s ok… sometimes you just have to take a minute (or 3 days or a month or a year or whatever) to make the decision that it’s time. Time to get your shit together and stop worrying about things that are out of your control and just be grateful for every good, hell, any half-way -decent -at -least -I’m -not- dead moment you got! 

Being Stuck….

I saw this picture on Pinterest of a person stuck in a jar. The quote read “I feel like I am stuck in a glass jar. I can see what I want or need to do, yet I cannot reach it.” Holy crap! After months of trying to describe how I am feeling THIS random picture did it for me! This is EXACTLY how I feel; like I’m stuck in this world where my days go on and on and I am trapped in this merry go round I just cant seem to get off on.

There are days the dizziness is just too much. So much that I actually get nauseous. Then there are days the lid is so tight I cant even breathe. On the outside, everything looks fine. Actually, everything IS fine. I have a job I love, I have the set up I had prayed for for years. I have amazing friends, healthy kids, a home I feel blessed to live in. I drive my dream car. And yet, I still feel “off”.

If I were to take a page from my LOA book I would say I am not “in alignment”. So my question now is; how in the hell do I get “aligned” because I’m about to blow this lid off and turn my entire world upside down! Or I’m going to die… at this point, it could go either way.

My July Books

I have this thing about reading multiple books at a time. I have one for when I want to get away, one that’s good for me, one that’s just for fun, and one to teach me something. Up until the last few years, I have never had trouble “keeping up”. I could pick up a book and jump on in, knowing exactly where I had left off and what was happening. These days, though, it hasn’t been as easy.

Forget that I have had NO time to actually READ any of these books but, even when I do, I spend more time having to go back and reread so I know what the hell is happening. But that convo might be for another time…

Nonetheless, here are my current BOOKS IN PROGRESS:

The Book to Teach Me Something: Unleash Your Inner Money Babe by Kathrin Zenkin. Ok, so the fact that I even BUY this many books at a time should tell you that I have some serious spending issues. Issues that need to be resolved ASAP, as in NOW. So I thought I would dig deep into what the hell makes me NEED to buy so much crap ALL THE TIME.and teach me a thing or two about manifesting; a topic I am SUPER into right now. Sounds like a win-win.

 

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I wish this chic luck; she has her work cut out with me. (wonder what I will do with that extra $1k)

So, occasionally, The Book to Take Me Away and the Book that’s Good For Me are one in the same. This month I am reading Jodi Piccoult’s; small great things. I have read ALOT of Jodi’s books and, for some reason, I always have a hard time getting into them. Then when I do, I cant put it down. And when I’m done, I am, literally, worn out. She has a way of touching each and every emotion that leaves you spent. It’s amazing and exciting and exhausting all at the same time.

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This book has been no different. I have struggled to get through the first 100 pages. Each character is so complex. I keep having to go back to figure out who each person is (or it’s the age thing, again, who knows). Anyway, I’m on page 102 and have been for a while now. I think I have everyone figured out and I even think I know the outcome but things are never as they seem with her so the odds of that are slim. Nonetheless, I’m inching along. Page by page, person by person, decade by decade…

 

The Book that’s Just For Fun: I stumbled across a new (to me) author in a used books store the other day and I REALLY REALLY like it… Jamie Brenner, and her Forever Summer was a real enjoyment. It was easy to get through, the characters were super relatable and I really liked the ending. It wasn’t anything that made you ponder life as you know it but I did shed a tear and, maybe, even belted out a laugh or two. I totally recommend if you are laying on a beach somewhere.. which is where I was when I read this.

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Less is more..

At the beginning of this year, I wrote Back to Basics . This basically described my plan to take it down a notch; a streamlining of sorts..

Since then I stumbled across the cutest lady on Netflix who was all about this. Marie Kondo describes how everything in your “space” has one purpose and that’s to bring you joy.. OK, I get that.. So where do I start?

First thing Marie tells you is NOT to sort by location but by category.

OK – so what’s bugging me the most right now?

Shoes! I have sooo many and I always wear the same ones (Tieks, in case you are wondering) which I keep in a bin. Right now I don’t know if I wear them because I really do love them or because they are the easiest to get to.

Anyway, here we go..

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These are the shoes in ONE of my THREE closets. I sorted and found that I, pretty much, hated most of them. I gave a few to my mom, put a few on Poshmark, and donated the rest… this is all I have left.

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Do I feel better? Lil bit.. Question is, where do I go from here?

Back to Basics

2019.. another year is behind us.. a brand new one is right before us..

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This year I decided to forgo the usual resolutions I make each and every year.. to skip the annual Jan 1st through Jan 5th diet and only promise myself one thing.. go back to the basics..
What does that mean? I don’t really know for sure.. I think it means that I will look at my cell phone a lot less and stare at my kids faces a lot more; draft a few less emails and send a handwritten card in its place every now and then – yes, with an actual stamp (that is still a thing, right?) Maybe I’ll pass up one weekend of Netflix binging and take a drive to the beach instead.. who knows.. right now, the possibilities are endless…

Ctrl, Alt, Delete –

I’m a NEW MAC user… until about a year ago I was a Windows person all the way. Ctrl, Alt, Delete was a lifesaver. It’s how you “reboot” the system and start over. Clean slate.. Brand-spanking new. I was looking for the same combination on my MAC when it hit me… I need one of those for my life!

The last few years have been rough. I have been in this state of “existing” for a while. I’m there, I am enjoying myself (for the most part) but I have been feeling as though something is missing and I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.  I’ve tried meditation, which I have yet to master because I cannot for the life of me close my eyes. I have been meaning to try yoga but never made it to a class though I’ve carried a bag around with clothes and a mat for about 3 months now. I have done the journaling, I go to church, I read ALOT… and I still can’t figure out what it is that’s missing. Don’t get me wrong. I am a happy person. I love my family. I love my house. I love my life – but why do I have this tugging feeling that something is just not right? And how the hell can I figure out what it is? And if I ever do, how do I fix it WITHOUT going all Thelma and Louise on my fam?

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https://youtu.be/-dUYR2apxdA

A while back I started reading up on the Law of Attraction. You can read more about that here. Honestly, it’s freaking hard. I try to be positive, I swear I do. I visualize like I’m supposed to. I even made a vision board! See it here… And trust me, no one is more ready to ACCEPT than I am, but still… I can’t seem to find THAT place (or what I have recently learned is called the “Vortex”). I have bought the books, I listen to podcasts every time in the car, which is a lot, and I still can’t seem to get into that groove of “being”. WTF! Why is this so damn hard for me?

Because nothing seemed to be working I went ahead and shelled out some major bucks to get training from someone who is supposed to be the best. She’s cool – I like her- I mean, from what I can tell on her daily pre-recorded videos she looks like the kind of person I could chill with. She tells me she loves me. (I’m on day 9 and that shit is already getting old) And, I have to admit, she has sorta inspired me; even got me thinking about childhood stuff and thinking that maybe it isn’t all me – we always gotta blame the parents somehow.. but still… nada, zip, zilch! NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Except for one important lesson I will share with you now…

If you want to “reboot” your life do this: think about your positive and negative experiences, people, activities, and habits. Write them all down. When you figure out what parts of your life are no longer serving you, remove them.

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Those Facebook friends that make you cringe every time they post something stupid or yet another selfie because we just didn’t get enough of the 5 million they posted the day before (I mean, really, can’t one of your 4000 friends take a picture of you?). All of those emails you get because you hit the “subscribe now” button (except for this one) that do nothing but clutter up your inbox. And especially all those apps on your phone that have the “update me” dot screaming at you constantly though you never do because you don’t actually use it and you really have no idea what it’s for, REMOVE THEM. REMOVE THEM ALL.

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Sounds simple enough, right? Well, it’s not. If you are anything like me you’ll feel horrible deleting that person you don’t actually know but feel that you must have known them in some past life because you have 162 mutual friends. And that app; you may have that nagging feeling that you might actually need it one day (you can reload it, btw). Those emails, well, odds are slim you are ever going to win that jackpot, the coupon you’ve been saving is probably expired, and you may as well take your chances on that chain letter you never forwarded. So now is the time to put your big girl (or boy) undies on and do like Nike; “JUST DO IT”.

It’s important to remember that there is no right time or way to do this. It’s ok to feel a little sad and even a tinge of regret for a few minutes.. THEN GET OVER IT. Time to focus on the other side of the list. The one that brought you joy. The one that serves a purpose. THOSE are the ones we want to keep.

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