2019.. another year is behind us.. a brand new one is right before us..
Sucked… I learned nothing.. other than the fact I cannot close my eyes and breathe. (ok, maybe I did learn SOMETHING – but it’s not what I had in mind).
Looks like learning to meditate might not be in the cards for me…
Hopefully, Day 3 will be somewhat better – because right now I WANT A REFUND!
Slightly better – at least I have an actual task – even if it’s just to ask myself a few questions which I ended up addressing right away ..
Little example here:
- Is there something in your purse or wallet that doesn’t need to be there? I’m sure there is – let me clean it out.
- Is there something in the back seat or trunk of your car that’s been there longer than a week (that doesn’t need to be there)? Yup. along with dry cleaning I’ve been carrying around with me for weeks
- Is there something in your closet that you haven’t worn in over a year? Tons, Poshmark, here I come!
- Is your sock drawer a jumble of pair-less orphans? Yup.
- Do you have stuff in the fridge or freezer that is over six months old? Probably
- Is there something on the refrigerator door that is expired? About 8 bottles of mustard…
- Are you feeling pissed-off at a family member, partner, or roommate for not doing their part to keep things clean and tidy? That’s a post of its own…
- Is there something you’re doing right now that can wait? Probably this – I have a car to clean out and clothes to take to the cleaners.
- Are you feeling any twinges (even a hint) of overwhelm or anxiety as you scroll down this list? YES – ANXIETY IS IN FULL FORCE
- Are your buttons getting pressed by these questions? Saving this for the journal entry.
Day 4 & 5:
Pretty much the same thing – talking about feelings and stuff.
Not gonna lie; this course has kinda sucked so far.
Look around your office or home and move ONE THING that is out of place back to where it belongs.. we are FINALLY getting somewhere.
Put something in its PLACE.
“Place” — as in to. . .
- Lay grocery bags in the trunk of your car in such a way that they don’t fall over and smash the eggs.
- Take a few extra seconds to put the food in the refrigerator so you can see and find everything later.
- Space the dishes in the dishwasher so that they wash and dry evenly.
- Match shoes with mates.
- Sort the mail into piles as soon it comes in the door: letters, bills, magazines, catalogs, recycling.
- Park the car so that it’s easy to get in and out of and less likely to be rammed into by a bigger car.
- Prominently display a gorgeous bouquet of flowers where you can see them every time you walk by.
- Move the chairs back under the table when not in use
Meditation lesson about “enough” – how about enough of this bullshit! Get me cleaning!
Sweep: sweep one part of your house or office – well enough to make a real visual difference. Now this I can work with.
Take sixty seconds and clean something, anything….. ready, set go!
Sort. Take all the crap from one room and pile it on a table. Separate into 4 piles: Stay, Go, Throw, Don’t Know.
Take one room; every day.. till you’re done. So I guess I’ll see you in a few months.
Still working on the last lesson – this one is gonna take a while..
Delete. “Email… I ignore much of it, not because it isn’t important, but because my first commitment is to life — to nature, to health, to relationships, to joy. Most email can wait, but life has an expiration date.”- I saw this quote and I LOVED it.. it just may be my new favorite.. back to the lesson…
Sort all of the email, put them in folders, set rules, schedule email time. The end… If only it were that easy..
Accept. More meditation. What part of “I can’t close my eyes” do you not understand?
Like Nike: Just do it. Do it imperfectly and keep doing it. Till it’s perfect. No matter how long it takes. Do it like your soul depends on it. And if you don’t know what “It” is; do anything and everything until it finds you. I love this so so much!
Learn to say “no” – gracefully… as if I don’t try to do that every single day.. when did I become such a pushover????
Make a mistake and don’t fix it. – yeah, daily occurrence for me.. and just when I thought this couldn’t get any more stupid.
Allow the mystery. Accept not knowing – I accepted this a long time ago.. I seriously want a refund.
Shift happens. Sometime today when you feel any kind of nudgy feeling of frustration or even despair, take a step back. Pause. Breathe.
Give the situation some space to play itself out. Allow your feelings (of anxiety, worry, despair, sadness) to arise. Allow the discomfort to sit with you, like a compassionate friend, until something shifts.
Then wait and watch what happens.
Isn’t this what I was supposed to AVOID… (sigh) I hate this.
Do Nothing and see what it feels like…. it feels like I’m being jipped, that’s what it feels like.
Lean in and embrace your pain. The only thing causing me pain is all the crap I have around my house I THOUGHT I was going to learn to manage. This sucks.
Be still – more freaking meditation.
Opt Out – ok, this I MIGHT be able to do. They provided a few examples on how to accomplish this. And because i’m so pissed off at how crappy this class is; i’m going to share them all here:
- Decline graciously with “Thanks for asking, I’m sorry it’s not going to work for me this time.”
- Put a message on your voicemail letting callers know that it may take a few days to return their call. Who in the hell still leaves vmail? Send me a text!
- Put an auto-responder message on your email service saying that you will not be replying to any emails for a while. If their email is important, ask them to resend it after a certain date. You are obviously not in sales but might work for personal email.
- Unsubscribe to email lists that no longer serve and support you. This one I should def do – I get so much crap I no longer know what’s valid and what’s not.
- Unsubscribe to a magazine that you never read. Uh no, I read them all – yes, in paper format.
Rest – seriously?
Take one minute and just sink into deep relaxation. Here’s how:
- Find a comfy place to sit.
- Wrap yourself in yummy “blankey.” (It’s good to have one handy, even at the office. I have super-soft oversized shawl that I love to drape around me that goes with me everywhere.)
- Put your feet up if you can. Wiggle into your seat and feel yourself settling into the most perfect support.
- Once settled, close your eyes.
- Take a nice easy breath in, and a slow emptying breath out.
- Breathe in the words “I choose ease”; breathe out “I release.”
- Stay in as long as you can.
- Notice how it feels afterward. It feels like I’ve been duped, that’s how it feels.
Let it all go – um, can you be a little bit more specific?
Bless My Home – ok, I kinda like this one..
By Stephanie Bennett Vogt
Thank you for being.
Thank you for being a sanctuary for all who have lived here before, reside here now, and will make their home here afterward.
Thank you for being a place of laughter, discovery, and spacious magic.
Thank you for holding a space for us to heal quickly when we are out of balance.
Thank you for holding a space for us to breathe again when we shut down and feel afraid.
Thank you for holding a space for us to rest, renew, and remember who we truly are.
Thank you for teaching us what it means to be truly unconditional and present.
And so it is.
And so it shall be.”
Release – release what? Why are you teaching me how to sit? You need to teach me how long I need to keep the crap I have in my drawers and what to do with what I need to keep… that’s what you need to be teaching me – I already know how to sit!
Prioritize – ok, this one is kinda deep. Basically, you are given a list of the top things people on their death bed regret..
- I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. yeah, totes agree…
- I wish I didn’t work so hard. I wish I didn’t HAVE to.
- I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. this hasnt really been an issue – I need more practice on keeping my mouth SHUT instead.
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. Oh, but I do! Have you ever heard of facebook?
- I wish that I had let myself be happier.. kinda vague, don’t ya think.
But here is where the good part comes in (finally). Sit down for 60 seconds and, without thinking about logistics make a list of things you want to do, see, hear and/or feel before you go… Ready, Set, Go!
“Today marks the end of this 28-day program. I hope you’ve enjoyed taking a dip in these rich waters of your Spacious Self.” – uh, how about NO. This was one of the dumbest things I ever did and I totally want my money back. STAR RATING:1
But OK, I get it – declutter everything. Not just the kitchen drawers or your closet or that hall storage that could probably serve as an emergency shelter IF you could actually step into it… That part makes sense.. the rest, not so much. Or who knows, maybe it was JUST ME who didn’t get it… either way, I will continue to do each and every one of these things (sorta – in my own way .. and no, I will not write about it.
Meredith Grey once said, “Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is, appreciating small victories and Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human” Yes, Meredith Grey is a real person and I will not accept otherwise…
While I agree with her completely, I also believe that there is really only one thing a person needs in order to survive that struggle.. faith.
Faith is defined as a ” firm belief even in the absence of proof “. I define it as trust and assurance that I will live to see another day. Faith is what keeps me going.
I would never describe myself as a religious person but I am a strong believer in HIS existence. I have always struggled with a lot of what we are expected to believe and the guidelines that have been placed upon us. And yes, while I am a proponent of the “everything- happens- for -a- reason logic” I do not believe that the reason is always a good one or part of some “Master Plan, on the contrary, I believe that sometimes the reason is that you are stupid and just make bad choices.. really, really bad choices.
So where exactly does faith come in? Well, it actually never left me. For even in my darkest times and even when I have made the stupidest of stupid choices; I have kept the faith that things will be ok. They may not always work out the way I want them to or hoped they would, but I know that in the end – I will have survived it all.
So every single day I give thanks for the familiar things I know and I give thanks for the things I may never know. I continue to give thanks for the people in my life, the memories we’ve made and the ones we have yet to make.
We live in trying times. Our world seems to be filled with devastation and crisis and opinions, so…. many….. opinions, and we continue to be tested on a daily basis. Yet every morning I get up, say a prayer for myself and my family and go about my day – with nothing but the hope of, not only surviving it, but getting to do it all over again tomorrow and faith that HE will help me do just that.
I don’t know if it was in my head or what the deal was but, I swear, Friday and Sat I was on fire. I had more energy than I knew what to do with. I was bouncing off the walls with it!
Sunday took a dramatic turn… I slept so much I feel like a zombie.., it was almost as though I had done too much and was now paying for it. I cant seem to snap out of it. Even as I sit here at work, I cant seem to focus.
Granted, I am only on Day 5 and everything I have read says it takes several weeks to feel the full effects. All I know is that right now, I feel like crap.
Not gonna give up though, actually, I cant – refer to CON #3 here…
Technically, I’m “stuck” with it.. So what else is there to do but wait it out? I cant give up on it yet. I wont.
At least I get to hit the gym today.
Who am I kidding? I never wanted to before, why would I want to now? BUT, the last thing I want to do is look like Chewbacca so I HAVE to go, even if I don’t want to. It’s for my health and I HAVE to give it SOME priority at some point. RIGHT?
Today was THE day – I got my first round of pellet injections..
When I arrived, I was a total wreck. I was shaking so much I could hardly hold the pen I used to consent to having something inserted in my backside; something that could cause bloating, acne, and an increase in facial hair. As I sat there reading all of these possible side effects; I questioned what in the hell I was doing.. but then I read the good stuff – increased libido (yay), energy (I could really use that), sense of well being (no idea what that means, but sounds good so ill take it), increased stamina (yay, again), decrease in mood swings (my kids need that), decrease in irritability (my husband needs this one) and decrease in weight (ok- sign the damn thing already)… so I did. Slightly illegible but I did it.
While I was sitting there searching giant beer pong on Pinterest I mistakenly glanced over to my left and saw a tray. Being the nosey (I like to call it observant) person that I am, I picked up the cover – Mistake #1.
I looked for exit signs that would allow me to escape unnoticed but I couldn’t find one. I stood up, grabbed my purse, put my hand on the door – and then SHE walks in – the doctor who was there to do the procedure.. looking as calm as a cucumber – and just as sweet as she could be. I had no choice but to admit that I was attempting to make a run for it and she laughed, ever so casually, and tells me to lay down.
I put my purse down then realized I was wearing a dress so I lifted it up to make sure I had on cute undies ( no idea why I did this). They weren’t SUPER cute but they matched so I was ok – even my mom would approve.
I laid down on my side – bent one leg, as instructed, and stretched out the top one – I could feel the cold air hit my bum as she lifted up my dress and pulled down a tiny bit of my mother approved undies and told me I’d feel a tiny little prick – which I did – and that was it…
I laid there, not moving, for a few minutes and finally asked her when she was going to start. She laughed and said, “Honey, I’m done”… and just like that, it was over.
I was given a prescription for water pills (in case I bloat) and a bottle of DIM (still don’t know what that is) and I drove myself to work; picking up a donut on the way as a form of praising myself on being so brave… the kolache and chocolate milk were for nutritional value. I could probably list that as Mistake #2 – but I’m not..
And now I wait and see if this works…
So all of the test results came back and, while my levels aren’t THAT out of whack, they’re messed up just enough to make me a candidate. So I guess I’m just a little bitch- and not all the time.. 🤗
They did say I was severely deficient in B12 so I got a shot in the backside for a small boost of energy.
I guess it worked because I did great till about 9pm when I decided to “sit down for a bit” and woke up 6 hours later- all alone on the couch- with all the lights off- feeling sad, and slightly irritated.
The clinic is awaiting one last test result, my pap, to come in but I’m tentatively scheduled for my very first pellet insertion Thursday morning at 9am.
I’m nervous and excited and afraid all at the same time. I think the part that really freaked me out was the part where I learned I’d be getting testosterone… huh?
All my life I thought that was just for men but, apparently, I was wrong – very wrong. It’s actually essential in women too.. you can read more about it here… trust me, it’s worth the read…. I had no idea….
Once I read this… “. Testosterone not only enhances the sexual mood of a woman, but the experience as well.”… I was sold…so as long as I don’t start growing hair on my chest or my face, I’m ok- but the second I do, I’m calling it quits. No one wants to wake up next to Chewbacca… I don’t care how “in the mood” you may be…
Today is the day – in a few minutes I will be on my way to see the PA for my hormone lab results to find out if I am a candidate for the hormone injection pellets.
I did some more reading over the weekend to make sure it was, in fact, what I wanted and it appears that, yes, it is… actually, going over the pros and cons made me so certain I wanted this I know I am going to be disappointed if Im not.
See below for my list:
“Set it and forget it”
I’ve seen it described in this manner several times and it reminds me of the rotisserie thing I once had. We used it to make a Christmas Turkey on a ski trip and didn’t read the instructions properly. Needless to say, we had ham sandwiches for Christmas Dinner that year. BUT, once we got the hang of it – that thing was a life saver. My guess is this is sorta the same thing…. you have them inserted (ouch) and then you go about your business for the next 3-4 months.
2. Time Release
It’s like prozac, but better. It’s a steady stream that calms you down, levels you out, AND is tailored to cover YOUR exact dosage and not anyone else’s… no more, “let’s start you off here and see how that works” and 4 days later you end up on the news for throwing a chicken sandwich at Church’s. (throwing the chicken sandwich part is a true story, but no, it did not make the news).
3. Increased energy
That’s what got all of this started. I am tired of always being tired. I don’t even remember what it feels like NOT to be tired anymore.. I think the last time was in 2012.
4. Increased libido
Do I really need to say more?
It’s not cheap, but anything that keeps me from throwing around chicken sandwiches AND can, possibly, save the few friendships I have left is worth it.
3. You’re stuck with it.
The other side of NOT having the luxury of adjusting dosage at will is that you are stuck with it – in your ass- literally. And you will have to live with it for several months. I am assuming that you can have them removed if you become psychotic or something, but Im not 100% sure of this – I should probably ask. If they say no, then I should probably start memorizing some phone numbers.. in case I need bail money.
Now, if I should get there today and be told I am NOT a candidate then my suspicions are now confirmed – I am not menopausal, I’m just a bitch.
So the mammogram – or as I like to call it; “getting to second base” is now complete.
With a history of cancer in my family; waiting on these results is nerve-wracking. You can tell yourself a million times over that you are fine, but until you actually hear the words from a professional, you cant help but worry. And when I worry – I eat.
Getting to the appointment was a feat in itself. We have had some MAJOR storms come through the area so it took me about 45 minutes longer to get there than normal. I had to drive through small rivers of water and I arrived soaked and freezing cold even though it’s over 90 degrees out.
But finally, I made it there – got checked in (found a dog treat in my purse) and was escorted to a tiny room and told to undress from the waist up.
What is it about us girls that makes us fold up our undergarments ever so neatly even though NO ONE is going to see them yet at home the bra is taken off and left wherever it lands? And why on earth did I take off my shoes? No idea – but I did – and placed them neatly on top of my even neater folded clothing.
You get to the room and all humility is out the window as you stand there, your boob in her hand, as it’s being placed on a machine then squished so hard you are swear it’s going to burst. You hold your breath, they take the picture, then you do it all over again. Then, of course, the pics are posted on a screen where you have only a minute to quickly glance them over but, in that minute, you swear you see a million things wrong with them – not even mentioning the fact that they are no where even close to being symmetrical even though you paid someone handsomely to MAKE SURE they were..
Anyway, that part is over and now I wait… again…