Faith Anchors the Soul

Meredith Grey once said, “Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is, appreciating small victories and Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human”  Yes, Meredith Grey is a real person and I will not accept otherwise…

 

While I agree with her completely, I also believe that there is really only one thing a person needs in order to survive that struggle.. faith.

Faith is defined as a ” firm belief even in the absence of proof “. I define it as trust and assurance that I will live to see another day. Faith is what keeps me going.

I would never describe myself as a religious person but I am a strong believer in HIS existence. I have always struggled with a lot of what we are expected to believe and the guidelines that have been placed upon us. And yes, while I am a proponent of the “everything- happens- for -a- reason logic” I do not believe that the reason is always a good one or part of some “Master Plan, on the contrary, I believe that sometimes the reason is that you are stupid and just make bad choices.. really, really bad choices.

So where exactly does faith  come in? Well, it actually never left me. For even in my darkest times and even when I have made the stupidest of stupid choices; I have kept the faith that things will be ok. They may not always work out the way I want them to or hoped they would, but I know that in the end – I will have survived it all.

 

So every single day I give thanks for the familiar things I know and I give thanks  for the things I may never know. I continue to give thanks for the people in my life, the memories we’ve made and the ones we have yet to make.

We live in trying times. Our world seems to be filled with devastation and crisis and opinions, so…. many….. opinions, and we continue to be tested on a daily basis. Yet every morning I get up, say a prayer for myself and my family and go about my day – with nothing but the hope of, not only surviving it, but getting to do it all over again tomorrow and faith that HE will help me do just that.

 

 

BioTe Day 5 – what the hell happened?

I don’t know if it was in my head or what the deal was but, I swear, Friday and Sat I was on fire. I had more energy than I knew what to do with. I was bouncing off the walls with it!

Sunday took a dramatic turn… I slept so much I feel like a zombie.., it was almost as though I had done too much and was now paying for it. I cant seem to snap out of it. Even as I sit here at work, I cant seem to focus. Tired - (Archives)

Granted, I am only on Day 5 and everything I have read says it takes several weeks to feel the full effects. All I know is that right now, I feel like crap.

Not gonna give up though, actually, I cant – refer to CON #3 here…

Technically, I’m “stuck” with it.. So what else is there to do but wait it out?  I cant give up on it yet. I wont.

At least I get to hit the gym today.

Who am I kidding?  I never wanted to before, why would I want to now? BUT, the last thing I want to do is look like Chewbacca so I HAVE to go, even if I don’t want to. It’s for my health and I HAVE to give it SOME priority at some point. RIGHT?

I did it!

Today was THE day – I got my first round of pellet injections..

When I arrived, I was a total wreck. I was shaking so much I could hardly hold the pen I used to consent to having something inserted in my backside; something that could cause bloating, acne, and an increase in facial hair. As I sat there reading all of these possible side effects; I questioned what in the hell I was doing.. but then I read the good stuff – increased libido (yay), energy (I could really use that), sense of well being (no idea what that means, but sounds good so ill take it), increased stamina (yay, again), decrease in mood swings (my kids need that), decrease in irritability (my husband needs this one) and decrease in weight (ok- sign the damn thing already)… so I did. Slightly illegible but I did it.

While I was sitting there searching giant beer pong on Pinterest I mistakenly glanced over to my left and saw a tray. Being the nosey (I like to call it observant) person that I am, I picked up the cover – Mistake #1.

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I looked for exit signs that would allow me to escape unnoticed but I couldn’t find one. I stood up, grabbed my purse, put my hand on the door – and then SHE walks in – the doctor who was there to do the procedure.. looking as calm as a cucumber – and just as sweet as she could be. I had no choice but to admit that I was attempting to make a run for it and she laughed, ever so casually, and tells me to lay down.

I put my purse down then realized I was wearing a dress so I lifted it up to make sure I had on cute undies ( no idea why I did this). They weren’t SUPER cute but they matched so I was ok – even my mom would approve.

I laid down on my side – bent one leg, as instructed, and stretched out the top one – I could feel the cold air hit my bum as she lifted up my dress and pulled down a tiny bit of my mother approved undies and told me I’d feel a tiny little prick – which I did – and that was it…

I laid there, not moving, for a few minutes and finally asked her when she was going to start. She laughed and said, “Honey, I’m done”… and just like that, it was over.

I was given a prescription for water pills (in case I bloat) and a bottle of DIM (still don’t know what that is) and I drove myself to work; picking up a donut on the way as a form of praising myself on being so brave… the kolache and chocolate milk were for nutritional value. I could probably list that as Mistake #2 – but I’m not..

And now I wait and see if this works…

It’s official…

So all of the test results came back and, while my levels aren’t THAT out of whack, they’re messed up just enough to make me a candidate. So I guess I’m just a little bitch- and not all the time.. 🤗

They did say I was severely deficient in B12 so I got a shot in the backside for a small boost of energy.

I guess it worked because I did great till about 9pm when I decided to “sit down for a bit” and woke up 6 hours later- all alone on the couch- with all the lights off- feeling sad, and slightly irritated.

The clinic is awaiting one last test result, my pap, to come in but I’m tentatively scheduled for my very first pellet insertion Thursday morning at 9am.

I’m nervous and excited and afraid all at the same time. I think the part that really freaked me out was the part where I learned I’d be getting testosterone… huh?

All my life I thought that was just for men but, apparently, I was wrong – very wrong. It’s actually essential in women too.. you can read more about it here… trust me, it’s worth the read…. I had no idea….

https://www.bodylogicmd.com/hormones-for-women/testosterone

Once I read this… “. Testosterone not only enhances the sexual mood of a woman, but the experience as well.”… I was sold…so as long as I don’t start growing hair on my chest or my face, I’m ok- but the second I do, I’m calling it quits. No one wants to wake up next to Chewbacca… I don’t care how “in the mood” you may be…

Are my hormones really out of whack or am I just a bitch?

Today is the day – in a few minutes I will be on my way to see the PA for my hormone lab results to find out if I am a candidate for the hormone injection pellets.

I did some more reading over the weekend to make sure it was, in fact, what I wanted and it appears that, yes, it is… actually, going over the pros and cons made me so certain I wanted this I know I am going to be disappointed if Im not.

See below for my list:

PROS:

  1. “Set it and forget it”

I’ve seen it described in this manner several times and it reminds me of the rotisserie thing I once had. We used it to make a Christmas Turkey on a ski trip and didn’t read the instructions properly. Needless to say, we had ham sandwiches for Christmas Dinner that year. BUT, once we got the hang of it – that thing was a life saver. My guess is this is sorta the same thing…. you have them inserted (ouch) and then you go about your business for the next 3-4 months.

    2.  Time Release

It’s like prozac, but better. It’s a steady stream that calms you down, levels you out, AND is tailored to cover YOUR exact dosage and not anyone else’s… no more, “let’s start you off here and see how that works” and 4 days later you end up on the news for throwing a chicken sandwich at Church’s. (throwing the chicken sandwich part is a true story, but no, it did not make the news).

 3. Increased energy

That’s what got all of this started. I am tired of always being tired. I don’t even remember what it feels like NOT to be tired anymore.. I think the last time was in 2012.

4. Increased libido

Do I really need to say more?

 

CONS:

  1. Ouch.

2. Cost

It’s not cheap, but anything that keeps me from throwing around chicken sandwiches AND can, possibly, save the few friendships I have left is worth it.

3. You’re stuck with it.

The other side of NOT having the luxury of adjusting dosage at will is that you are stuck with it – in your ass- literally. And you will have to live with it for several months. I am assuming that you can have them removed if you become psychotic or something, but Im not 100% sure of this – I should probably ask. If they say no, then I should probably start memorizing some phone numbers.. in case I need bail money.

Now, if I should get there today and be told I am NOT a candidate then my suspicions are now confirmed – I am not menopausal, I’m just a bitch.

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Getting to “second base”

So the mammogram – or as I like to call it; “getting to second base” is now complete.

With a history of cancer in my family; waiting on these results is nerve-wracking. You can tell yourself a million times over that you are fine, but until you actually hear the words from a professional, you cant help but worry.  And when I worry – I eat.

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Getting to the appointment was a feat in itself. We have had some MAJOR storms come through the area so it took me about 45 minutes longer to get there than normal. I had to drive through small rivers of water and I arrived soaked and freezing cold even though it’s over 90 degrees out. IMG_1871

 

But finally, I made it there – got checked in  (found a dog treat in my purse) and was escorted to a tiny room and told to undress from the waist up. IMG_1872

What is it about us girls that makes us fold up our undergarments ever so neatly even though NO ONE is going to see them yet at home  the bra is taken off and left wherever it lands? And why on earth did I take off my shoes? No idea – but I did – and placed them neatly on top of my even neater folded clothing.

You get to the room and all humility is out the window as you stand there, your boob in her hand, as it’s being placed on a machine then squished so hard you are swear it’s going to burst. You hold your breath, they take the picture, then you do it all over again. Then, of course, the pics are posted on a screen where you have only a minute to quickly glance them over but, in that minute, you swear you see a million things wrong with them – not even mentioning the fact that they are no where even close to being symmetrical even though you paid someone handsomely to MAKE SURE they were..

Anyway, that part is over and now I wait… again…

 

42 bottles of blood….

I went for my initial consult this morning. Went through the usual array of medical questions – when was your last period?  2006.. how many children? 3  do you drink? I have THREE children, of course I drink!  You get the idea..

I did the whole peeing in a cup thing, they took, what appeared to me, to be ALL of the blood I had left in my body (so much so I had to stop and get a donut – I was sure I was going to pass out). They scheduled a pap, a sono, and a mammogram.

So as of right now – no idea if I am a candidate. They did, however, give me a prescription for progesterone. “To help you sleep” – hey, whatever works – hook me up – and a pamphlet… because I haven’t already read everything I needed to know about this process..

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and now I wait..

Hormone Pellet Injections – because im too old for SnapChat but too young for LifeAlert.

So I, reluctantly, went to a women’s social the other day. I was dreading going the entire day and even when I parked, I seriously considered just turning around and going home. But I didn’t – I mean, I had paid the $25 to attend and, at the very least, I could enjoy ONE glass of wine before I left. So I went ahead and walked on in.

When I got there I was already pretty late so I sat at a table in the back that had one seat open. I felt like I always do at about 545 in the afternoon – like I cannot wait to get home and get into my pjs and go to bed. Although, lately, It doesn’t really matter what time of the day it is because I feel like that, pretty much, all day.

The last few years have been rough. They have been rough on me, my family, my finances, my emotions…. I could go on but you get the idea. With two kids in college you can say that money is tight (and that’s putting it mildly). Stress is at an all time high and has been for a while. Needless to say, that shit takes its toll – on EVERYTHING.

I’m 46 years old. I wouldn’t necessarily call myself “high maintenance” but I like to get stuff done. I get botox injections every 3-4 months, get my nails done every few weeks, get pedi’s pretty regularly because no one deserves to rub up against THAT at night. So yeah, I’d like to think I take care of myself as best as I can. But lately, no matter how much I sleep or what PM med I took the night before I just cant seem to shake this feeling of sheer exhaustion. I always feel like something is “off”..

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Anyway, back to my day – Earlier that day I had come across a youtube video for hormone replacement pellets. I was somewhat intrigued. OK, I sort of became obsessed with the idea. I made some calls and found out who offered the service, called them up, and found out how much it costs.. Needless to say, it was WAY out of my price range. So I left work, somewhat defeated, and kinda sad. Not really wanting to be social but desperately needing to make good on that $25 I had spent and a tumbler of wine (don’t judge, it’s still glass) I made my way over to that social. Again, sitting in the ONE open seat they had left.

I struck up a conversation with the loveliest lady and before long we were yapping nonstop. And guess what she brings up? Wouldn’t you know it – hormone replacement pellets! I mean, came out of nowhere… and my face lit up! She offered to lend me a book and then offered me the name and number to her provider; one that CAN work with your insurance-  at least for the initial consult and labs.

I am a HUGE believer in “signs” so in my book, this meant something. First thing the following morning I reached out to the provider she gave me and made an appointment for this Monday. I have also saved a billion (ok, maybe not THAT many but close) videos, books, and links and I am headed into the weekend armed with as much information as I could possibly find.

So just to be clear – I have no problem “getting old”. I do, however, have a problem feeling it!

 

 

 

If I Had Only…

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I often find myself wishing I had done SOME things differently.. “if I had only..”
1. Tried harder in school. – One of my biggest regrets is failing to finish what I started. Sometimes life just gets in the way. But I havent given up. I WILL DO THIS!
2. Taken better care of myself. – my face is showing the years of abuse of failing to put sunscreen, of baking in the sun lathered in baby oil. I wish I had started using moisturizer thirty years ago, not two.
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3. Traveled more – fortunately for me, my job has taken me to some amazing places. UNfortunately, it’s just not the same unless im sharing it with my family. I wish I had taken more time to see the world when I was younger and more free of responsibilities. Hopefully, I can make up for the lost time. There is a giant world out there and I want to see it all!
4. Taken a few more chances – although “playing it safe” got me to where I am now (where is that?) what was I so afraid of?
5.  Worried about my credit. – This should be the MOST important thing! If I had only listened to everyone who told me to stay away from those credit cards.
6. Not cared so much about what others thought – in the grand scheme of things, what difference did it make that I didnt get invited to that awesome party?
7. Spent more time with my grandparents – all of my grandparents are gone.. and so are their stories.
8. Learned how to cook. – My kids would eat a lot more than french fries and pizza.
9. NOT allowed myself to get caught up in drama. I mean, who really needs more drama..
10. Appreciated what was right in front of me .

Table for Three

I was on a flight recently when I began to overhear a conversation between two men. One man told the other that he had two daughters, both older. The other man said he had one son, 14 months old.  The first man proceeds to tell him that he HAD to have another child and growing up an only child was the worst thing he could do to him. UH, HELLO… I grew up an only child and I happen to think it wasn’t so bad. On the contrary, for the most part, it was pretty darn great. Sure, being an only child can SOMETIMES be a bit boring, but sometimes, a little alone time goes a long way. Being an only child, in my opinion, helped me to become as independent as I am today. I can travel the world alone, though not my preference, but I am perfectly capable of doing so. While the people I know that grew up with siblings, esp around the same age, can’t go to the grocery store alone. My children included. IMG_6926

Growing up an only child wasn’t as lonely as everyone thinks it is.. Aside from having a TON of friends, I had myself. I learned who I was by a very early age and I learned to be true to myself, a conviction that still guides me today.
 
Sure, I may never fully understand the bond between a brother and a sister or have that bond that sisters usually do, but then people with siblings will never understand the sheer joy of never having to share your parents’ attention or deal with a younger sibling break your favorite toy or worry that your parents would chose going to your kid sisters ballet recital over your game..
 
As an adult, the lack of siblings makes things less complicated. My kids get all of grandmas attention and there is virtually no discussion on who gets what when it’s all over.
Don’t get me wrong, I am in no way promoting having only one child, nor am I promoting having ten. But if you should chose to or circumstances make it so, know that you have not done a disservice to your child. Know that your child will be a well adjusted, contributing member of society and that he/she will be just fine..