Ctrl, Alt, Delete –

I’m a NEW MAC user… until about a year ago I was a Windows person all the way. Ctrl, Alt, Delete was a lifesaver. It’s how you “reboot” the system and start over. Clean slate.. Brand-spanking new. I was looking for the same combination on my MAC when it hit me… I need one of those for my life!

The last few years have been rough. I have been in this state of “existing” for a while. I’m there, I am enjoying myself (for the most part) but I have been feeling as though something is missing and I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.  I’ve tried meditation, which I have yet to master because I cannot for the life of me close my eyes. I have been meaning to try yoga but never made it to a class though I’ve carried a bag around with clothes and a mat for about 3 months now. I have done the journaling, I go to church, I read ALOT… and I still can’t figure out what it is that’s missing. Don’t get me wrong. I am a happy person. I love my family. I love my house. I love my life – but why do I have this tugging feeling that something is just not right? And how the hell can I figure out what it is? And if I ever do, how do I fix it WITHOUT going all Thelma and Louise on my fam?

thelmalouise-510x383

https://youtu.be/-dUYR2apxdA

A while back I started reading up on the Law of Attraction. You can read more about that here. Honestly, it’s freaking hard. I try to be positive, I swear I do. I visualize like I’m supposed to. I even made a vision board! See it here… And trust me, no one is more ready to ACCEPT than I am, but still… I can’t seem to find THAT place (or what I have recently learned is called the “Vortex”). I have bought the books, I listen to podcasts every time in the car, which is a lot, and I still can’t seem to get into that groove of “being”. WTF! Why is this so damn hard for me?

Because nothing seemed to be working I went ahead and shelled out some major bucks to get training from someone who is supposed to be the best. She’s cool – I like her- I mean, from what I can tell on her daily pre-recorded videos she looks like the kind of person I could chill with. She tells me she loves me. (I’m on day 9 and that shit is already getting old) And, I have to admit, she has sorta inspired me; even got me thinking about childhood stuff and thinking that maybe it isn’t all me – we always gotta blame the parents somehow.. but still… nada, zip, zilch! NOTHING HAS CHANGED. Except for one important lesson I will share with you now…

If you want to “reboot” your life do this: think about your positive and negative experiences, people, activities, and habits. Write them all down. When you figure out what parts of your life are no longer serving you, remove them.

flat,550x550,075,f.u2

Those Facebook friends that make you cringe every time they post something stupid or yet another selfie because we just didn’t get enough of the 5 million they posted the day before (I mean, really, can’t one of your 4000 friends take a picture of you?). All of those emails you get because you hit the “subscribe now” button (except for this one) that do nothing but clutter up your inbox. And especially all those apps on your phone that have the “update me” dot screaming at you constantly though you never do because you don’t actually use it and you really have no idea what it’s for, REMOVE THEM. REMOVE THEM ALL.

240383_60_news_hub_multi_630x0

Sounds simple enough, right? Well, it’s not. If you are anything like me you’ll feel horrible deleting that person you don’t actually know but feel that you must have known them in some past life because you have 162 mutual friends. And that app; you may have that nagging feeling that you might actually need it one day (you can reload it, btw). Those emails, well, odds are slim you are ever going to win that jackpot, the coupon you’ve been saving is probably expired, and you may as well take your chances on that chain letter you never forwarded. So now is the time to put your big girl (or boy) undies on and do like Nike; “JUST DO IT”.

It’s important to remember that there is no right time or way to do this. It’s ok to feel a little sad and even a tinge of regret for a few minutes.. THEN GET OVER IT. Time to focus on the other side of the list. The one that brought you joy. The one that serves a purpose. THOSE are the ones we want to keep.

IMG_6156

Advertisements

I did it!

Today was THE day – I got my first round of pellet injections..

When I arrived, I was a total wreck. I was shaking so much I could hardly hold the pen I used to consent to having something inserted in my backside; something that could cause bloating, acne, and an increase in facial hair. As I sat there reading all of these possible side effects; I questioned what in the hell I was doing.. but then I read the good stuff – increased libido (yay), energy (I could really use that), sense of well being (no idea what that means, but sounds good so ill take it), increased stamina (yay, again), decrease in mood swings (my kids need that), decrease in irritability (my husband needs this one) and decrease in weight (ok- sign the damn thing already)… so I did. Slightly illegible but I did it.

While I was sitting there searching giant beer pong on Pinterest I mistakenly glanced over to my left and saw a tray. Being the nosey (I like to call it observant) person that I am, I picked up the cover – Mistake #1.

KWi+3ZsQRjKuV8oR8uI%DQ

I looked for exit signs that would allow me to escape unnoticed but I couldn’t find one. I stood up, grabbed my purse, put my hand on the door – and then SHE walks in – the doctor who was there to do the procedure.. looking as calm as a cucumber – and just as sweet as she could be. I had no choice but to admit that I was attempting to make a run for it and she laughed, ever so casually, and tells me to lay down.

I put my purse down then realized I was wearing a dress so I lifted it up to make sure I had on cute undies ( no idea why I did this). They weren’t SUPER cute but they matched so I was ok – even my mom would approve.

I laid down on my side – bent one leg, as instructed, and stretched out the top one – I could feel the cold air hit my bum as she lifted up my dress and pulled down a tiny bit of my mother approved undies and told me I’d feel a tiny little prick – which I did – and that was it…

I laid there, not moving, for a few minutes and finally asked her when she was going to start. She laughed and said, “Honey, I’m done”… and just like that, it was over.

I was given a prescription for water pills (in case I bloat) and a bottle of DIM (still don’t know what that is) and I drove myself to work; picking up a donut on the way as a form of praising myself on being so brave… the kolache and chocolate milk were for nutritional value. I could probably list that as Mistake #2 – but I’m not..

And now I wait and see if this works…

It’s official…

So all of the test results came back and, while my levels aren’t THAT out of whack, they’re messed up just enough to make me a candidate. So I guess I’m just a little bitch- and not all the time.. 🤗

They did say I was severely deficient in B12 so I got a shot in the backside for a small boost of energy.

I guess it worked because I did great till about 9pm when I decided to “sit down for a bit” and woke up 6 hours later- all alone on the couch- with all the lights off- feeling sad, and slightly irritated.

The clinic is awaiting one last test result, my pap, to come in but I’m tentatively scheduled for my very first pellet insertion Thursday morning at 9am.

I’m nervous and excited and afraid all at the same time. I think the part that really freaked me out was the part where I learned I’d be getting testosterone… huh?

All my life I thought that was just for men but, apparently, I was wrong – very wrong. It’s actually essential in women too.. you can read more about it here… trust me, it’s worth the read…. I had no idea….

https://www.bodylogicmd.com/hormones-for-women/testosterone

Once I read this… “. Testosterone not only enhances the sexual mood of a woman, but the experience as well.”… I was sold…so as long as I don’t start growing hair on my chest or my face, I’m ok- but the second I do, I’m calling it quits. No one wants to wake up next to Chewbacca… I don’t care how “in the mood” you may be…

Getting to “second base”

So the mammogram – or as I like to call it; “getting to second base” is now complete.

With a history of cancer in my family; waiting on these results is nerve-wracking. You can tell yourself a million times over that you are fine, but until you actually hear the words from a professional, you cant help but worry.  And when I worry – I eat.

IMG_1873

Getting to the appointment was a feat in itself. We have had some MAJOR storms come through the area so it took me about 45 minutes longer to get there than normal. I had to drive through small rivers of water and I arrived soaked and freezing cold even though it’s over 90 degrees out. IMG_1871

 

But finally, I made it there – got checked in  (found a dog treat in my purse) and was escorted to a tiny room and told to undress from the waist up. IMG_1872

What is it about us girls that makes us fold up our undergarments ever so neatly even though NO ONE is going to see them yet at home  the bra is taken off and left wherever it lands? And why on earth did I take off my shoes? No idea – but I did – and placed them neatly on top of my even neater folded clothing.

You get to the room and all humility is out the window as you stand there, your boob in her hand, as it’s being placed on a machine then squished so hard you are swear it’s going to burst. You hold your breath, they take the picture, then you do it all over again. Then, of course, the pics are posted on a screen where you have only a minute to quickly glance them over but, in that minute, you swear you see a million things wrong with them – not even mentioning the fact that they are no where even close to being symmetrical even though you paid someone handsomely to MAKE SURE they were..

Anyway, that part is over and now I wait… again…

 

42 bottles of blood….

I went for my initial consult this morning. Went through the usual array of medical questions – when was your last period?  2006.. how many children? 3  do you drink? I have THREE children, of course I drink!  You get the idea..

I did the whole peeing in a cup thing, they took, what appeared to me, to be ALL of the blood I had left in my body (so much so I had to stop and get a donut – I was sure I was going to pass out). They scheduled a pap, a sono, and a mammogram.

So as of right now – no idea if I am a candidate. They did, however, give me a prescription for progesterone. “To help you sleep” – hey, whatever works – hook me up – and a pamphlet… because I haven’t already read everything I needed to know about this process..

IMG_1765

 

 

and now I wait..

Hormone Pellet Injections – because im too old for SnapChat but too young for LifeAlert.

So I, reluctantly, went to a women’s social the other day. I was dreading going the entire day and even when I parked, I seriously considered just turning around and going home. But I didn’t – I mean, I had paid the $25 to attend and, at the very least, I could enjoy ONE glass of wine before I left. So I went ahead and walked on in.

When I got there I was already pretty late so I sat at a table in the back that had one seat open. I felt like I always do at about 545 in the afternoon – like I cannot wait to get home and get into my pjs and go to bed. Although, lately, It doesn’t really matter what time of the day it is because I feel like that, pretty much, all day.

The last few years have been rough. They have been rough on me, my family, my finances, my emotions…. I could go on but you get the idea. With two kids in college you can say that money is tight (and that’s putting it mildly). Stress is at an all time high and has been for a while. Needless to say, that shit takes its toll – on EVERYTHING.

I’m 46 years old. I wouldn’t necessarily call myself “high maintenance” but I like to get stuff done. I get botox injections every 3-4 months, get my nails done every few weeks, get pedi’s pretty regularly because no one deserves to rub up against THAT at night. So yeah, I’d like to think I take care of myself as best as I can. But lately, no matter how much I sleep or what PM med I took the night before I just cant seem to shake this feeling of sheer exhaustion. I always feel like something is “off”..

f3c4f6c00c7629fce0ff68ac324a25cb

Anyway, back to my day – Earlier that day I had come across a youtube video for hormone replacement pellets. I was somewhat intrigued. OK, I sort of became obsessed with the idea. I made some calls and found out who offered the service, called them up, and found out how much it costs.. Needless to say, it was WAY out of my price range. So I left work, somewhat defeated, and kinda sad. Not really wanting to be social but desperately needing to make good on that $25 I had spent and a tumbler of wine (don’t judge, it’s still glass) I made my way over to that social. Again, sitting in the ONE open seat they had left.

I struck up a conversation with the loveliest lady and before long we were yapping nonstop. And guess what she brings up? Wouldn’t you know it – hormone replacement pellets! I mean, came out of nowhere… and my face lit up! She offered to lend me a book and then offered me the name and number to her provider; one that CAN work with your insurance-  at least for the initial consult and labs.

I am a HUGE believer in “signs” so in my book, this meant something. First thing the following morning I reached out to the provider she gave me and made an appointment for this Monday. I have also saved a billion (ok, maybe not THAT many but close) videos, books, and links and I am headed into the weekend armed with as much information as I could possibly find.

So just to be clear – I have no problem “getting old”. I do, however, have a problem feeling it!

 

 

 

If I Had Only…

fullsizeoutput_3617
Want to add a caption to this image? Click the Settings icon.
I often find myself wishing I had done SOME things differently.. “if I had only..”
1. Tried harder in school. – One of my biggest regrets is failing to finish what I started. Sometimes life just gets in the way. But I havent given up. I WILL DO THIS!
2. Taken better care of myself. – my face is showing the years of abuse of failing to put sunscreen, of baking in the sun lathered in baby oil. I wish I had started using moisturizer thirty years ago, not two.
​​
3. Traveled more – fortunately for me, my job has taken me to some amazing places. UNfortunately, it’s just not the same unless im sharing it with my family. I wish I had taken more time to see the world when I was younger and more free of responsibilities. Hopefully, I can make up for the lost time. There is a giant world out there and I want to see it all!
4. Taken a few more chances – although “playing it safe” got me to where I am now (where is that?) what was I so afraid of?
5.  Worried about my credit. – This should be the MOST important thing! If I had only listened to everyone who told me to stay away from those credit cards.
6. Not cared so much about what others thought – in the grand scheme of things, what difference did it make that I didnt get invited to that awesome party?
7. Spent more time with my grandparents – all of my grandparents are gone.. and so are their stories.
8. Learned how to cook. – My kids would eat a lot more than french fries and pizza.
9. NOT allowed myself to get caught up in drama. I mean, who really needs more drama..
10. Appreciated what was right in front of me .

Then They Do….

I had three kids by the age of 26.. I remember being so tired I would go into the shower and cry. I worried about them constantly.. I worried that I wouldn’t have the energy to keep up with the midnight feedings or that I wasn’t paying enough attention to the boys or that I wasn’t paying enough attention to myself or my husband. I would tell myself that as soon as ONE of them slept through the night, everything would be better.. and then they do.. and my worries changed.
Then we enter the stage of sleeping through the night but awake all day. It was no longer formula and baby food, it was REAL food.. and I worried that I wasn’t feeding them the proper foods, that they would choke on pieces of ham or chips or cookies.. I would tell myself that as soon as they started walking, everything would be better… and then they do.. and again, my worries changed. file-27.jpg
Then I had three kids all under the age of five WALKING… everywhere.. and I worried that they would slip away from my sight and head out to the pool or out the front door or slip away from me at the mall.. I would tell myself that as soon as they started school, everything would be better.. and then they do.. and again, my worries changed.
Then I started working while they were at school. And I worried that they were going to be teased or bullied or I wasn’t going to be around if they got sick. I would tell myself that as soon as they entered middle school, everything would be better.. and then they do.. and my worries changed.
fullsizeoutput_10cf
All three in school, two in middle school and one at the elementary. And I worried about them walking home and where they would go and who they’d stay with.. would they get into someone’s car, would they remember to look both ways before crossing the street, would they JUST LOOK UP FROM THAT PHONE! I would tell myself as soon as ONE was driving, everything would be better… and then they do… and again, my worries changed.
Now all THREE are driving and I worry if I can afford it, are they drinking, is someone else on the road drinking, are they paying attention to their surroundings… will they ever JUST STAY HOME? And I’d tell myself once they were all grown and out of the house, everything would be better… and then they do.. and guess what – I STILL WORRY.
Bottom line – doesn’t matter how old they are or what stage of their life they are in you will always worry about them; that never changes. The only thing that changes are the worries themselves.
If I could go back to the days when they were all at home and I would cry from being so tired; I would do it in a heartbeat – because at least I knew they were there – with me. But I cant, so I just have to hope for the best… hope that we taught them right and let them go.. watching as they walk out the door – again.
IMG_5308.JPG

Getting Old Sucks..

I just turned 46 years old.

27973154_10212139268542572_4429114164622751317_n

I’m SUPPOSED to be in the prime of my life. But I’m not. I find myself slowly falling apart.. vision is going, I forget things, and sometimes, if I laugh hard enough…well, THINGS happen.. things no one wants to know about.

The Face…

This face. The one I have recently started to lather different creams on- it’s wrinkly. Every time I look in the mirror I’m reminded of that damn tanning machine I just couldn’t stay away from in College. Even though I once got so orange I looked like an Oompa Loompa. Did I stop? Nope, went right back and just got a slightly darker shade of orange.

Botox has become part of my monthly budget, although, with two kids in college, I have ZERO business spending money on that. But hey, a girls got to do what a girls got to do.

The Hair….

White hairs are sprouting up around my forehead, the ones both my hair dresser and I have agreed are just really blond hairs. And they aren’t just coming up on my head.. nope, they are sprouting from all over the place. My eyebrows, my chest, my chin, my neck.. I mean, seriously. Is this necessary?

The Body….

Do I really even need to go here? Suffice it to say that my joints can now predict the weather and, I think, the phases of the moon and there is nothing that can be done to improve it (this body) without a lot of money, anesthesia, and some sort of medical procedure.

I’m not most people…

When MOST people hit 40 they are more in tune with who they are and what they want with life. I. however, am the exact opposite. I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. Some days I am ready to take on the world and others, not so much. There are days I am up and ready to conquer life at the crack of dawn, and others.. I don’t even bother getting out of bed.
Yes, my kids are (somewhat) grown but they aren’t out of the house or independent at all. On the contrary, they are costing me more than ever. Tuition, books, rent, etc..
My baby started her first year at the University of Texas in Austin last fall. I honestly thought I wouldn’t make it one day without her.. I was wrong. I actually love it.. like a lot. But she is killing me financially. Her dorm is a piece of junk yet its costing me over $1000 a month. WTH! That’s my mortgage payment!
My middle son is about to graduate from Texas State. I’m thinking – yes, some relief!!!*!*! – but no, now he’s going to Law School (must they be such over achievers). So although he will have to get loans for school, guess who will be paying his living expenses. This girl. Does it ever end? EVER?
By this time, I should have had a career and be making plans for retirement; seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The only light I see is the one of the oncoming train that’s about to run me over. Retirement? I don’t see that happening anytime soon..
I guess if you look back at the 40 somethings of our past, we really have made great strides. Our fashion sense has certainly improved. The “mature” look is out the window (THANK GOD). The once imposed restrictions of “maturity” no longer exist. On the contrary, 40 somethings are doing more and living more. So why cant I?
Shouldn’t I be planning for retirement? Thinking of that vacation I never got to take or the expansion of my master bedroom (yes, I will be turning their rooms into my closet). 40 is the time to start working on the life I always wanted. BUT IT’S NOT! I am still working like a slave and I don’t see any end in sight. And I am 46 – my 40’s are practically over!

Your Age is Just a Number… a big one, but still, just a number…

Your 40’s CAN be a new beginning and CAN be a great time to find out who you really are. In a way, that’s sort of what’s happening to me. I have hit that time in my life (the one we all go through eventually) when I look back and think “is THIS it?” So join me on this journey of exploration as WE try and figure out if Age is truly just a number. #midlifecrisis