If I Had Only…

fullsizeoutput_3617
Want to add a caption to this image? Click the Settings icon.
I often find myself wishing I had done SOME things differently.. “if I had only..”
1. Tried harder in school. – One of my biggest regrets is failing to finish what I started. Sometimes life just gets in the way. But I havent given up. I WILL DO THIS!
2. Taken better care of myself. – my face is showing the years of abuse of failing to put sunscreen, of baking in the sun lathered in baby oil. I wish I had started using moisturizer thirty years ago, not two.
​​
3. Traveled more – fortunately for me, my job has taken me to some amazing places. UNfortunately, it’s just not the same unless im sharing it with my family. I wish I had taken more time to see the world when I was younger and more free of responsibilities. Hopefully, I can make up for the lost time. There is a giant world out there and I want to see it all!
4. Taken a few more chances – although “playing it safe” got me to where I am now (where is that?) what was I so afraid of?
5.  Worried about my credit. – This should be the MOST important thing! If I had only listened to everyone who told me to stay away from those credit cards.
6. Not cared so much about what others thought – in the grand scheme of things, what difference did it make that I didnt get invited to that awesome party?
7. Spent more time with my grandparents – all of my grandparents are gone.. and so are their stories.
8. Learned how to cook. – My kids would eat a lot more than french fries and pizza.
9. NOT allowed myself to get caught up in drama. I mean, who really needs more drama..
10. Appreciated what was right in front of me .

Then They Do….

I had three kids by the age of 26.. I remember being so tired I would go into the shower and cry. I worried about them constantly.. I worried that I wouldn’t have the energy to keep up with the midnight feedings or that I wasn’t paying enough attention to the boys or that I wasn’t paying enough attention to myself or my husband. I would tell myself that as soon as ONE of them slept through the night, everything would be better.. and then they do.. and my worries changed.
Then we enter the stage of sleeping through the night but awake all day. It was no longer formula and baby food, it was REAL food.. and I worried that I wasn’t feeding them the proper foods, that they would choke on pieces of ham or chips or cookies.. I would tell myself that as soon as they started walking, everything would be better… and then they do.. and again, my worries changed. file-27.jpg
Then I had three kids all under the age of five WALKING… everywhere.. and I worried that they would slip away from my sight and head out to the pool or out the front door or slip away from me at the mall.. I would tell myself that as soon as they started school, everything would be better.. and then they do.. and again, my worries changed.
Then I started working while they were at school. And I worried that they were going to be teased or bullied or I wasn’t going to be around if they got sick. I would tell myself that as soon as they entered middle school, everything would be better.. and then they do.. and my worries changed.
fullsizeoutput_10cf
All three in school, two in middle school and one at the elementary. And I worried about them walking home and where they would go and who they’d stay with.. would they get into someone’s car, would they remember to look both ways before crossing the street, would they JUST LOOK UP FROM THAT PHONE! I would tell myself as soon as ONE was driving, everything would be better… and then they do… and again, my worries changed.
Now all THREE are driving and I worry if I can afford it, are they drinking, is someone else on the road drinking, are they paying attention to their surroundings… will they ever JUST STAY HOME? And I’d tell myself once they were all grown and out of the house, everything would be better… and then they do.. and guess what – I STILL WORRY.
Bottom line – doesn’t matter how old they are or what stage of their life they are in you will always worry about them; that never changes. The only thing that changes are the worries themselves.
If I could go back to the days when they were all at home and I would cry from being so tired; I would do it in a heartbeat – because at least I knew they were there – with me. But I cant, so I just have to hope for the best… hope that we taught them right and let them go.. watching as they walk out the door – again.
IMG_5308.JPG

Getting Old Sucks..

I just turned 46 years old.

27973154_10212139268542572_4429114164622751317_n

I’m SUPPOSED to be in the prime of my life. But I’m not. I find myself slowly falling apart.. vision is going, I forget things, and sometimes, if I laugh hard enough…well, THINGS happen.. things no one wants to know about.

The Face…

This face. The one I have recently started to lather different creams on- it’s wrinkly. Every time I look in the mirror I’m reminded of that damn tanning machine I just couldn’t stay away from in College. Even though I once got so orange I looked like an Oompa Loompa. Did I stop? Nope, went right back and just got a slightly darker shade of orange.

Botox has become part of my monthly budget, although, with two kids in college, I have ZERO business spending money on that. But hey, a girls got to do what a girls got to do.

The Hair….

White hairs are sprouting up around my forehead, the ones both my hair dresser and I have agreed are just really blond hairs. And they aren’t just coming up on my head.. nope, they are sprouting from all over the place. My eyebrows, my chest, my chin, my neck.. I mean, seriously. Is this necessary?

The Body….

Do I really even need to go here? Suffice it to say that my joints can now predict the weather and, I think, the phases of the moon and there is nothing that can be done to improve it (this body) without a lot of money, anesthesia, and some sort of medical procedure.

I’m not most people…

When MOST people hit 40 they are more in tune with who they are and what they want with life. I. however, am the exact opposite. I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. Some days I am ready to take on the world and others, not so much. There are days I am up and ready to conquer life at the crack of dawn, and others.. I don’t even bother getting out of bed.
Yes, my kids are (somewhat) grown but they aren’t out of the house or independent at all. On the contrary, they are costing me more than ever. Tuition, books, rent, etc..
My baby started her first year at the University of Texas in Austin last fall. I honestly thought I wouldn’t make it one day without her.. I was wrong. I actually love it.. like a lot. But she is killing me financially. Her dorm is a piece of junk yet its costing me over $1000 a month. WTH! That’s my mortgage payment!
My middle son is about to graduate from Texas State. I’m thinking – yes, some relief!!!*!*! – but no, now he’s going to Law School (must they be such over achievers). So although he will have to get loans for school, guess who will be paying his living expenses. This girl. Does it ever end? EVER?
By this time, I should have had a career and be making plans for retirement; seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The only light I see is the one of the oncoming train that’s about to run me over. Retirement? I don’t see that happening anytime soon..
I guess if you look back at the 40 somethings of our past, we really have made great strides. Our fashion sense has certainly improved. The “mature” look is out the window (THANK GOD). The once imposed restrictions of “maturity” no longer exist. On the contrary, 40 somethings are doing more and living more. So why cant I?
Shouldn’t I be planning for retirement? Thinking of that vacation I never got to take or the expansion of my master bedroom (yes, I will be turning their rooms into my closet). 40 is the time to start working on the life I always wanted. BUT IT’S NOT! I am still working like a slave and I don’t see any end in sight. And I am 46 – my 40’s are practically over!

Your Age is Just a Number… a big one, but still, just a number…

Your 40’s CAN be a new beginning and CAN be a great time to find out who you really are. In a way, that’s sort of what’s happening to me. I have hit that time in my life (the one we all go through eventually) when I look back and think “is THIS it?” So join me on this journey of exploration as WE try and figure out if Age is truly just a number. #midlifecrisis