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All Endings Are Also Beginnings

Today marks the ending of one chapter and the beginning of a new one. It’s not going to be easy; it already hurts like hell and I feel like I’m going to break in half any second but it’s happening. The thought that this is just the beginning sends shots of pain right through me.

I wish I could blame it all on someone else but I can’t. This was MY choice, MY doing. Whatever follows will be because of my actions (or lack of) so there is no one to blame, no excuses to give to myself or anyone else, no reason to even attempt to pretend it happened TO ME. Because it didn’t. On the contrary, everything that is about to follow in the coming days, weeks months; will be happening BECAUSE of me.

I’m hoping that in time I will find the peace I have so desperately been looking for and it will, even slightly, make up for everything that I am about to lose. I am hoping that within all the madness that’s about to ensue, I’ll find myself again.

I continue to remind myself that I NEED to be real. I, and all the people involved, the ones that make up every sliver of this shattered heart of mine, DESERVE for me to be real. This is not the time for messing around or beating around the bush in order to spare other people’s feelings. It’s the time to be completely honest. The band aid has been ripped off, the blood is oozing out, and I have no other choice but to follow through until all of the wounds have been healed.

Meredith Grey

Since my daughter has been home we’ve all been watching Grey’s Anatomy. Every. Single. Day. I stopped watching it years ago because Meredith got on my nerves and I swear I wanted to punch her in the face by the end of every episode – so I just stopped watching – cold turkey. But, when my kid takes over the tv; you’re kinda stuck watching what she wants. And this is what she wanted. She actually started it from Season One, Episode One. By Season 16 I was pretty confident I could be a surgeon myself.

Turns out there was alot I missed. I swear that show drained me. I would, literally, be exhausted after watching it. A part of me wanted to be friends with all of them and another part was scared to actually have them as real doctors because they did not know how to follow ANY rules. And they weren’t even good at trying to get away with it…

But then one day, Meredith said something that really resonated with me.. she said:

“Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is, appreciating small victories and Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human” ~ Meredith Grey

With everything going on right now, I thought, holy crap, she’s right! Let’s stop focusing on every bad thing that’s been happening, Lord knows, there has been a-lot, and let’s start focusing on the good; no matter how insignificant it may be. So that’s what Im doing; remembering to be thankful.

Im thankful for the familiar things I know and I’m thankful for the things I may never know. I’m thankful for the people in my life, the memories we’ve made and the ones we have yet to make.

At the end of the day, the fact that we have the ability and the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.

Is this our new “normal”?

I read an article on the lasting impact this virus is going to have on us and how we do business. For the most part, I agreed with everything the author said; expect for one thing…

She stated that “the comfort of being in the presence of others will be replaced by a greater comfort with absence….” Instead of asking, “Is there a reason to do this online?” we’ll be asking, “Is there any good reason to do this in person?”

While, at this particular moment, distance is, unfortunately, necessary, I PRAY that it is not a replacement for actual human interaction. I still believe that putting a face to the name of someone I have been interacting with for months is important. I still believe that a hug from a colleague you’ve worked with for decades means something. I still WANT to be able to sit down at a table with that team you’ve come to think of as family and talk about our (crazy)lives.. I still want to drive Marcus Ramirez crazy with the things I agree to because I, honestly, believe he CAN do anything and everything “ASAP”.

All I am saying is that, when all of this over, I hope we go back to the way things were because the way they were wasn’t bad. It was REAL. It was US. And I happen to like us… a lot.

Life As We Know It…

I had, honestly, been taking all of this in stride, one day at a time, paying attention but not OBSESSED, but this SERIOUSLY breaks my heart. These kids are being robbed of a crucial college experience; major EARNED milestones like graduation and ring ceremonies will not be celebrated, housing situations are being left in chaos, friendships made will be left uncultivated, memories that should have happened, never will..

My daughter is one of the lucky ones. She can easily go back to her apartment and gather her things at her leisure. We have “decent” internet connections and ways to rectify the situation, if necessary. God willing, she will still have her commencement ceremony next spring and life will, eventually, go back to normal- whatever that may be- but for the others; you are and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, every minute of every day..

And yes, I still plan to go about my life. I wont let this virus control me or my family, nor will I live in fear that I’ll run out of toilet paper or food and start acting like a crazy ass fool (not anymore than usual, anyway). I’ll continue to use common sense (whatever I have left of it) I’ll continue to take all the necessary precautions, but I refuse to allow this to affect me or my family any more than it already has… life WILL go on. Just with a lot more hand sanitizer…

February Books

I guess the holidays really did me in because I cannot seem to get through one book, let alone four. Nonetheless, here are the books I read or am reading now.

The Book to Teach Me Something: Girl, Stop Apologizing By Rachel Hollis.

” … a wake-up call. She knows that many women have been taught to define themselves in light of other people—whether as wife, mother, daughter, or employee—instead of learning how to own who they are and what they want. With a challenge to women everywhere to stop talking themselves out of their dreams, Hollis identifies the excuses to let go of, the behaviors to adopt, and the skills to acquire on the path to growth, confidence, and believing in yourself.”

Just like her other book, Girl, Wash Your Face, there were parts I tolerated, parts I loved, and parts I could have done without.

I could have done without some of her personal stories, although, they did tie in well. What she considered “an excuse” isn’t always that.. sometimes they are actual REASONS why we cant do something at that particular moment, that doesn’t mean we are done with it for good – just delayed – and there were a few times I thought her logic was a bit skewed. HOWEVER, for the most part, I think it’s something I would encourage my own daughter to read. And I did find myself highlighting a few key parts. My favorite quote was this one:

“I’m grateful for the small spaces I’ve inhabited; they taught me how to grow.
I’m grateful for every misstep along the way; they taught me how to run.
I’m grateful for every moment of insecurity; they propelled me to gain a lifetime of confidence earned through practice and study. “
Rachel Hollis, Girl Stop Apologizing. Pg 58

In a nutshell, dont be afraid to screw up royally – there isn’t anything you do that can ruin your life FOREVER.

The Book to Take Me Away and the Book that’s Good For Me: Unfortunately, I STILL cannot get through Jodi Piccoult’s Small Great Things. I, honestly, can’t explain why, I just can’t. But I will.. eventually.

The Book That Is Just For Fun is just about to start. Elin Hildebrand’s Winter Solstice. I haven’t even cracked the cover yet but plan to start on a plane ride to Vegas tomorrow. I’ll keep ya posted!

To Do List of 2020

I did one of these in 2018 and, to be honest, I sucked at it. I probably accomplished one thing off the list and, even then, it was about a year later.

I think my son accomplished another one. OK, he did… but it was still HIS accomplishment, not mine.

But, here we are; another DECADE upon us. And here I am, still making my damn lists.

So here goes – my To Do List of 2020.

Finish up that gun class I took and actually learn how to use one. I mean, I am a LICENSED gun carrier person..
Learn how to meditate – like for real, the right way – the kind where my soul actually leaves my body and does my body and my mind some good.
Take a photography class.
Go see Abraham-Hicks LIVE and IN PERSON.
Pay off my Target card (odds are slim)
Stay at a Bed and Breakfast
Visit that Ice Castle Spa place
See Magnolia Silos

That should do it for this year. If I can accomplish even HALF of these things; it’s gonna be a good year.

What I want for Christmas this year:

1. To send my kids a text asking: what meals do you want me to make for you while you’re home?” ✔️

2. Christmas music playing non stop – loud enough for everyone to hear no matter what room you’re in in this house. ✔️

3. To put clean, fuzzy sheets on a bed that hasn’t been slept in for a while. ✔️

4. Stockings hung by the chimney with care in hopes that the owners of those stockings will soon all be there.

5. To get this text from my kids simply saying: “heading home.”✔️

6. To bake batches of holiday cookies; even if they’re the ones from the package .✔️

7. For everyone who calls me “mom” to be asleep under my roof.

8. To have breakfast together every day… and include mimosas on most of them.

9. More laundry in the washroom, more clothes and shoes thrown around the house, more cell

phones charging at every outlet not being used by a Christmas light.

10. The sound of all my children’s voices laughing together in the same room.

11. To go to bed at night without leaving my phone on because all the people who might need to call me at 3 a.m. are within earshot.

12. To need to buy more milk, more cereal, more laundry detergent, more toilet paper, and more—much, much more—pizza.

13. Family game night with all the players.

14. To do everything on our “next time you’re home” list.

From my family to yours, Merry Christmas!

And a roomba.. 😊❤️

Words of Wisdom on my baby girls 21st Birthday!

TWENTY ONE YEARS OLD! How did that even happen? WHEN did it happen? Seems like just yesterday we were celebrating your high school graduation and I was coming to terms with the fact that you were LEAVING. Now THIS! If it wasn’t for the fact that you were so responsible and mature, I don’t think my heart could handle it. Lucky for me, you are.

I clearly remember sitting at my desk writing my words for your brothers when they turned 21. Of course, it was all about laying low on the drinking (last week’s headaches proved they didn’t listen), cautioning them on the dangers of strip clubs (gross), telling them to trust their gut and run when things seemed “shady”, and reminding them that the great freedom they had just stumbled upon came with enormous amounts of responsibility (not sure any of that sank in). None of that seems appropriate for you, though. On the contrary, my words for you are the complete opposite.

For you, I have the following:

• Let loose every now and then. It is not only acceptable, but encouraged, to have a RESPONSIBLE night out on the town. In this day and age there are no excuses for drinking and driving. CALL AN UBER. I will even pay for it. But promise me you will have a night filled with “vodka and regret” sometime soon. (And take pics, post on snapchat, and facetime me throughout the night as often as you can. I can even join you if you want, just sayin’).
*And for those of you shocked that I am encouraging my daughter to have a night out, mind your business! You clearly do not know me or my kid.*

• Make time for Family – Stay connected to your brothers as much as possible. Yes, they’re annoying but they will become less so as the years go on. Promise.

• Don’t let one person become who you live for- if you do, make sure that one person is YOU. Learn to love yourself as unconditionally as you will love the children you will one day have. There is no feeling quite like it. This I can assure you of.

• Don’t over analyze your thoughts or anyone else’s. No one’s opinion of you matters that much, not even mine. Trust your gut as often as possible but feel free to ignore it every now and then, too. There is no ONE decision that will ruin your life forever. I am living proof of this.

• Find your passion and stick to it. Doesn’t matter what it is. If you love it, it’s ALWAYS the right thing to do. Having lots of money may make paying the bills a lot easier to do but it won’t help getting out of bed each and every day any better. Do what you love, everything else will work itself out.

• You are not defined by your job title, relationship status, or bank account. You are your experiences.

• Gain those experiences by Travel. Go to as many magical places as you can but learn to appreciate coming home just as much.

• Write your feelings down. Any time I feel overwhelmed or confused, I write. Somehow it all makes sense on paper. (A little surpise on this topic is on its way to you now.)

• Be grateful for at least one thing every morning- you’ll be surprised how much this can set you up to have a beautiful day. And then write about that, too.. (see how this is all tying together..)

• Never assume, always ask questions- even the ones that make you feel uncomfortable; those are the ones that will teach you the most.

• Hold on to people that bring you love & joy, and once these people no longer do, know that it’s okay to let them go.

• Never be afraid to come to me with any of your problems and I promise to always listen and never judge- all I ask is that you do the same for others, me included.

• Listen to your mother. I speak from experience. Not because I have followed all of the advice I have given but because I WISH I had.

• And most importantly, even when you can’t understand how or why, believe me when I tell you that life will always go on… and I will always be right there if you need me.

Oh, my love, you have reached those wonderfully selfish years; the ones filled with so much adventure and curiosity. Embrace each and every moment of it. Even the ones that turn out to be mistakes of colossal proportions. I promise you, with every fiber of my being, that I will ALWAYS be right there beside you; cheering you on, picking you up, and reminding you how truly loved you are.

Have an AMAZING day, my baby! Mommy loves you to the moon and back. Always have. Always will.

Words of Wisdom for Dylan’s 24th Birthday

On November 30th, 24 years ago, I became a mother for the second time.

There’s no denying 24 is a strange time in ones life; I know it was for me. And although you don’t have two kids like I did (thank God) I’m guessing you’re finding yourself in this state as well. Trust me, I get it.

My guess is that you’re finding yourself in that “in between” stage. The one in which You’re definitely an adult, with all of the rights and responsibilities of one, but you still have the energy and mindset of a teenager.

This certainly isn’t 20 when you’re “almost” legal, or 21 when you’re “really legal” and ordering a drink at dinner (or anytime actually) is not only allowed but perfectly acceptable.

You’re not 22 when you finally graduated college and got your dream job (or what you thought was your dream job), or 23 when you quit that job to find something better. It’s freakin’ 24!!!

In my usual fashion, here are the words of wisdom from someone who was once 24 and has been right where you’re at – only with two kids in tow.

1. You’re getting older. And so are we. As are your grandparents. We’re not gonna be around forever. So as much as I admire this new found independence you have; PLEASE make some time for family too.

2. You’ve probably reached a “zero effs given” mentality. Wanna pierce your nose? Do it. Want to shave your head? Go right ahead! Want to leave and backpack the world for six months. BYE. Just make sure you can still make rent next month. And that you’re health insurance is up to date. You know how accident prone you are.

3. It’s ok to use “I’m too old to be doing/saying/acting…..” as a reason to stop yourself from doing/acting/saying things you don’t want to or shouldn’t do. As much as you don’t want to admit it, you probably are. Maturity isn’t a bad thing. Now I’m not saying you’re super old and your youth isn’t something to hold onto as long as possible, I’m just saying whatever you do or say will probably be used against you in the future.. probably in a job interview for your REAL dream job. So think wisely about what you put out there for all the world to see.

4. On that note, you might want to consider cutting back on some of the social media accounts and spend a tiny bit more time updating your LinkedIN. As ridiculous as this may sound, you’re just going to have to trust me on this one.

5. While you now have a steady income and can probably afford to splurge; DON’T! Your credit is more important than ever. Refrain as much as you can. Credit cards are REALLY only for emergencies. And no, a night on the square a week before payday isn’t considered an emergency, but food and gas most certainly are. I speak from experience on this one.

6. Learn to balance you’re work and social life. There are times when calling in sick for a concert is not only acceptable but essential to your quality of life. The secret is knowing when. If you use up all your hours at ACL then accept the fact that Coachella isn’t gonna happen for you this year and that you’re probably going to have to go in even on the days you really do feel like crap. Don’t forget the financial part. Without that job, EVERYTHING is out.

7. Appreciate the people in your life. All of them. Even the ones you wish weren’t there; certain Co- workers, your boss, etc. A few years from now you’ll realize what an important role they played in shaping who you became.

8. While I’ve always admired the enormous amount of friends you have always had it might be time to weed some of them out. Between work and home responsibilities; a little me-time is more important than ever. If ALL of these people are so important to you that you just can’t fathom the thought of EVER turning one of them away, then learn how to prioritize your time. A REAL friend will understand.

That’s it! I do hope you enjoyed your day. It was really hard not to spend it with you but one of the things I need to accept is that your life is your own and your home isn’t with me anymore. I promise I’m trying… and I didn’t cry as long as I usually do so I think I’m finally becoming a grown up too! You’re welcome.😊❤️🎁

Mama loves you to the moon and back. Always have, always will.

November ALREADY, Kindle Unlimited, & Marie Kondo

I cant believe we are already into November! It was just the other day I was writing about Back to Basics – Holy crap, it took me THAT long to actually get started! The year is almost OVER!

Anyway, in my long overdue journey of clearing out the crap I stumbled upon the cutest little woman named Marie. Everyone seems to love her and her videos made it seem so easy. Yes, I knew there would be some mess, I mean, you gotta break it all down to put it back together, right, but I NEVER expected it to be like this!

So I went back and watched the videos again. I HAD to be doing it wrong. Then I realized something; they never tell you how long it took! There was NO TIMELINE! How did I not notice this before?

That made me feel better but also made me feel worse. I wasn’t doing it wrong but this could, possibly, go on indefinitely. And in the meantime, I am losing my mind over the clutter.

I didn’t take before pics because I, honestly, swear to my God, thought I could do this in a night. I didn’t think it would be this hard..

But this is my progress so far (not much):

Started on Monday, November 4th –

I swear I worked on this aaalllll day and night but this was my progress on Tuesday.

It is now Monday, November 11th and I have yet to finish category 1 of this ordeal. I am, officially, scarred for life. Torching the house does NOT seem like a bad idea anymore.

Forget cancelling Kindle Unlimited because I somehow UPGRADED the damn thing! I dont know how and I am not even going to fight it. Instead, I have chosen to embrace it and read on! I have “listened” to more books than any one person should… and I don’t have to deal with said book when I hit THAT category of the Marie thing. #winning

I guess its back to working on learning how to fold the 27 grey t shirts that bring me joy…