It’s official…

So all of the test results came back and, while my levels aren’t THAT out of whack, they’re messed up just enough to make me a candidate. So I guess I’m just a little bitch- and not all the time.. 🤗

They did say I was severely deficient in B12 so I got a shot in the backside for a small boost of energy.

I guess it worked because I did great till about 9pm when I decided to “sit down for a bit” and woke up 6 hours later- all alone on the couch- with all the lights off- feeling sad, and slightly irritated.

The clinic is awaiting one last test result, my pap, to come in but I’m tentatively scheduled for my very first pellet insertion Thursday morning at 9am.

I’m nervous and excited and afraid all at the same time. I think the part that really freaked me out was the part where I learned I’d be getting testosterone… huh?

All my life I thought that was just for men but, apparently, I was wrong – very wrong. It’s actually essential in women too.. you can read more about it here… trust me, it’s worth the read…. I had no idea….

https://www.bodylogicmd.com/hormones-for-women/testosterone

Once I read this… “. Testosterone not only enhances the sexual mood of a woman, but the experience as well.”… I was sold…so as long as I don’t start growing hair on my chest or my face, I’m ok- but the second I do, I’m calling it quits. No one wants to wake up next to Chewbacca… I don’t care how “in the mood” you may be…

Are my hormones really out of whack or am I just a bitch?

Today is the day – in a few minutes I will be on my way to see the PA for my hormone lab results to find out if I am a candidate for the hormone injection pellets.

I did some more reading over the weekend to make sure it was, in fact, what I wanted and it appears that, yes, it is… actually, going over the pros and cons made me so certain I wanted this I know I am going to be disappointed if Im not.

See below for my list:

PROS:

  1. “Set it and forget it”

I’ve seen it described in this manner several times and it reminds me of the rotisserie thing I once had. We used it to make a Christmas Turkey on a ski trip and didn’t read the instructions properly. Needless to say, we had ham sandwiches for Christmas Dinner that year. BUT, once we got the hang of it – that thing was a life saver. My guess is this is sorta the same thing…. you have them inserted (ouch) and then you go about your business for the next 3-4 months.

    2.  Time Release

It’s like prozac, but better. It’s a steady stream that calms you down, levels you out, AND is tailored to cover YOUR exact dosage and not anyone else’s… no more, “let’s start you off here and see how that works” and 4 days later you end up on the news for throwing a chicken sandwich at Church’s. (throwing the chicken sandwich part is a true story, but no, it did not make the news).

 3. Increased energy

That’s what got all of this started. I am tired of always being tired. I don’t even remember what it feels like NOT to be tired anymore.. I think the last time was in 2012.

4. Increased libido

Do I really need to say more?

 

CONS:

  1. Ouch.

2. Cost

It’s not cheap, but anything that keeps me from throwing around chicken sandwiches AND can, possibly, save the few friendships I have left is worth it.

3. You’re stuck with it.

The other side of NOT having the luxury of adjusting dosage at will is that you are stuck with it – in your ass- literally. And you will have to live with it for several months. I am assuming that you can have them removed if you become psychotic or something, but Im not 100% sure of this – I should probably ask. If they say no, then I should probably start memorizing some phone numbers.. in case I need bail money.

Now, if I should get there today and be told I am NOT a candidate then my suspicions are now confirmed – I am not menopausal, I’m just a bitch.

Unknown

Getting to “second base”

So the mammogram – or as I like to call it; “getting to second base” is now complete.

With a history of cancer in my family; waiting on these results is nerve-wracking. You can tell yourself a million times over that you are fine, but until you actually hear the words from a professional, you cant help but worry.  And when I worry – I eat.

IMG_1873

Getting to the appointment was a feat in itself. We have had some MAJOR storms come through the area so it took me about 45 minutes longer to get there than normal. I had to drive through small rivers of water and I arrived soaked and freezing cold even though it’s over 90 degrees out. IMG_1871

 

But finally, I made it there – got checked in  (found a dog treat in my purse) and was escorted to a tiny room and told to undress from the waist up. IMG_1872

What is it about us girls that makes us fold up our undergarments ever so neatly even though NO ONE is going to see them yet at home  the bra is taken off and left wherever it lands? And why on earth did I take off my shoes? No idea – but I did – and placed them neatly on top of my even neater folded clothing.

You get to the room and all humility is out the window as you stand there, your boob in her hand, as it’s being placed on a machine then squished so hard you are swear it’s going to burst. You hold your breath, they take the picture, then you do it all over again. Then, of course, the pics are posted on a screen where you have only a minute to quickly glance them over but, in that minute, you swear you see a million things wrong with them – not even mentioning the fact that they are no where even close to being symmetrical even though you paid someone handsomely to MAKE SURE they were..

Anyway, that part is over and now I wait… again…

 

42 bottles of blood….

I went for my initial consult this morning. Went through the usual array of medical questions – when was your last period?  2006.. how many children? 3  do you drink? I have THREE children, of course I drink!  You get the idea..

I did the whole peeing in a cup thing, they took, what appeared to me, to be ALL of the blood I had left in my body (so much so I had to stop and get a donut – I was sure I was going to pass out). They scheduled a pap, a sono, and a mammogram.

So as of right now – no idea if I am a candidate. They did, however, give me a prescription for progesterone. “To help you sleep” – hey, whatever works – hook me up – and a pamphlet… because I haven’t already read everything I needed to know about this process..

IMG_1765

 

 

and now I wait..

Hormone Pellet Injections – because im too old for SnapChat but too young for LifeAlert.

So I, reluctantly, went to a women’s social the other day. I was dreading going the entire day and even when I parked, I seriously considered just turning around and going home. But I didn’t – I mean, I had paid the $25 to attend and, at the very least, I could enjoy ONE glass of wine before I left. So I went ahead and walked on in.

When I got there I was already pretty late so I sat at a table in the back that had one seat open. I felt like I always do at about 545 in the afternoon – like I cannot wait to get home and get into my pjs and go to bed. Although, lately, It doesn’t really matter what time of the day it is because I feel like that, pretty much, all day.

The last few years have been rough. They have been rough on me, my family, my finances, my emotions…. I could go on but you get the idea. With two kids in college you can say that money is tight (and that’s putting it mildly). Stress is at an all time high and has been for a while. Needless to say, that shit takes its toll – on EVERYTHING.

I’m 46 years old. I wouldn’t necessarily call myself “high maintenance” but I like to get stuff done. I get botox injections every 3-4 months, get my nails done every few weeks, get pedi’s pretty regularly because no one deserves to rub up against THAT at night. So yeah, I’d like to think I take care of myself as best as I can. But lately, no matter how much I sleep or what PM med I took the night before I just cant seem to shake this feeling of sheer exhaustion. I always feel like something is “off”..

f3c4f6c00c7629fce0ff68ac324a25cb

Anyway, back to my day – Earlier that day I had come across a youtube video for hormone replacement pellets. I was somewhat intrigued. OK, I sort of became obsessed with the idea. I made some calls and found out who offered the service, called them up, and found out how much it costs.. Needless to say, it was WAY out of my price range. So I left work, somewhat defeated, and kinda sad. Not really wanting to be social but desperately needing to make good on that $25 I had spent and a tumbler of wine (don’t judge, it’s still glass) I made my way over to that social. Again, sitting in the ONE open seat they had left.

I struck up a conversation with the loveliest lady and before long we were yapping nonstop. And guess what she brings up? Wouldn’t you know it – hormone replacement pellets! I mean, came out of nowhere… and my face lit up! She offered to lend me a book and then offered me the name and number to her provider; one that CAN work with your insurance-  at least for the initial consult and labs.

I am a HUGE believer in “signs” so in my book, this meant something. First thing the following morning I reached out to the provider she gave me and made an appointment for this Monday. I have also saved a billion (ok, maybe not THAT many but close) videos, books, and links and I am headed into the weekend armed with as much information as I could possibly find.

So just to be clear – I have no problem “getting old”. I do, however, have a problem feeling it!

 

 

 

Law of Attraction – how hard could it be?

So I have been on this magical “transformation” of living with gratitude and positive thinking. It’s actually a lot harder than it sounds.. And, depending on the day, its down right impossible.
 33b8bbf9a8be434a6c90d794b6ad24e1
So, basically, the entire program can be summed up in three words..
*Believe
*Gratitude
*Visualize

#1 First and foremost, you need to BELIEVE. If you don’t believe, you don’t receive. (that’s what I tell my grown kids about Santa at Christmas)

#2. You need to learn to live each day with GRATITUDE. Be grateful for everything you see and hear… and I mean EVERYTHING.

#3 You have to VISUALIZE.. see it, believe it.. feel it… know it..

 

That’s it! Get those three things in order and you are well on your way to having it all. Or so they say.

Allow me to explain (at least in the way I understand it).

 First, you need to BELIEVE. 

Believe that you are the only person responsible for the life you have and the only person responsible for the life you want. No one else but you.  This part is easy as I have always believed that to be true. You feel fat; stop eating. You hate your job; find another one and quit. You cant stand your parents; MOVE OUT..
The same goes for what you want. You want a new car; save your money. You want to travel the world; well, save your money for that, too. You want to be happy; smile more and stop complaining. 🙂
15be123508185d6e91008532535f3e11
The LOA basically says that Only YOU can attract the good, the bad, and the ugly. And only YOU can attract the amazing, the exciting, and the fabulousness you want. Think those things and nothing else… and I mean, NOTHING else. Sounds easy, right? It’s not. When you have worried about things your entire life, it’s hard to just stop. And as much as I want to just quit my job and run off to see the world, I cant. I have two kids in college and a mortgage and 4 car payments, and two apartments, and… I could go on and on but I wont because that would mean i’m FOCUSING on the bad and I am not allowed to do  that.  Instead, I am to choose to focus on the fact that, although  some months are rough, I am still managing to do ALL of those things and still get to see some parts of the world every now and then. And for that I need to be GRATEFUL.
Which leads me to point #2..

Learn to live each day with gratitude. 

Everyday I start by writing in my newly purchased Gratitude Journal. There are days I sit there and stare at the blank pages looking for something, ANYTHING, to write down. Of course, there are the usuals; thankful for my family, my friends, my dog, etc. That’s the easy part. Coming up with others is where the hard part comes in. It’s only been a few weeks but I can already tell what days were better than others just by my entrees… “thankful for the sunlight” – “thankful I didn’t have to stop and put gas in my car” – yeah, those days were clearly not so great.
534d306415b3662e433450fe2456795b
The goal here is to focus on the good – even if it’s just that the dog only ate one shoe and not both (yes, that happened to me) and NOT focus on the fact that he ate a shoe at all.. See how it can get sorta hard?
As you begin to fill your thoughts with gratitude and joy you’ll find that this feeling begins to expand and “attracts” even more things to be grateful and joyous over. This continues until your grateful and joyous world is overflowing with love and abundance!!!  (OH HAPPY DAY!)

Visualize it.

The last part of this is the Vision Board.  I had these grand plans of a peg board with a bunch of pictures but I never quite got around to that..eventually, I will, I promise..but as of right now all I have to reference is a “virtual” board on Pinterest and a makeshift one on my planner. I hear there are classes and stuff on this you can take and it’s supposed to be “life changing” but I haven’t found the time or the energy to actually do that. Again, “one day”. f90480071a08306bbc79112e208683de
Now this one seems pretty self explanatory. I am a BIG believer in lists – lists of things I NEED to do, lists of things I WANT to do, and lists of things I just want. I am also a believer of writing down your goals only makes them more real, more concrete, more definite. The hard part with this particular version is that you need to be clear. You need to be specific. You need to know EXACTLY what you want. How you will get it is of no consequence and does not matter, but you do need to know what you want. So writing “I want to be happy” wont cut it. You need to know what it will take to make you happy and write that.
Well, I hope this helps make things a little clearer and I hope when you see me forcing a smile across my face you will know why.
I also hope that in time I wont have to force it very hard.
One day at a time..

I Hope You Dance

Tomorrow is my baby’s last “official” day in high school. Of course, such a momentous day wouldn’t be complete without my usual “words of wisdom”.. so here goes…

18835858_10210097481419170_1895335489470887183_n

Life is one grand, sweet song so start the music and dance. Dance to the songs in your head, to the rhythm in your heart, and to the beat you can only feel deep down in your soul. 💃❤️💃

Always remember that although its time for me to take a few steps back and let you take the lead on this particular song, I’ll never be so far away that you can’t call me up and let me join in on a verse or two… 🎶❤️🎶

Love you to the moon and back..

#ihopeyoudance. #seniors17. #hookem

Turning 18 – WOW for my daughter

So here we are… the big “18”.. in a few short months you will be off in this big world all on your own and there is nothing I can do about it..
Your dad and I have spent many years trying really hard to instill morals and values and impart all the little bits of knowledge that we think you and your brothers will need to survive in this crazy world, and although our time here is almost up.. it’s not over yet.. so here goes.. “Moms Words of Advice On Your 18th Birthday..
IMG_3063

1. Money does not buy happiness.

As cliché as it sounds, it’s true. Your dad and I have never been blessed with an excessive amount of money but we have been blessed with so much more. We have you and your brothers and are surrounded with an enormous amount of friends and family. Don’t ever sacrifice those special relationships for money, for those relationships are priceless. I pray you are financially secure as you head out on your own. But, I promise you; all the riches of the world will not replace the love and happiness you get from living your life to the fullest surrounded with people you love. Even through the tough times, try and find the joy in people, not in possessions.

2. Trust your gut.

Pray about big decisions. Life is a journey with many forks in the road. Each and every turn is a new adventure. Be grateful for the opportunities that come your way and patient with the ones that don’t.

3. Love deeply.

If your dad and I ever wanted to show you all anything, it was how to love. I pray we have taught you that. Love with all you have. There is no greater feeling than to love and be loved.
That’s it! First and foremost, Love God, trust in yourself, and, I promise, everything else will fall into place. .. we have all the faith in the world in you..
With all I have… I love you to the moon and much further beyond..
P. S. You and your brothers will most likely never understand why I chose the lessons that I did for each and every one of you until you have your own 18, 21, & 23 year old child (Not anytime soon, I hope) . But know that your dad and I want nothing less but the very best for all of you. And that is for you each of you to be happy and loved and enjoy this journey of life. ❤️😊❤️

Words of Wisdom for my (then) 16 Year Old Daughter

Where did the years go? It seems like just yesterday your dad and I were waiting to meet you; Anxious to know what you looked like, whose eyes you would have… We had so many questions.

IMG_0110

Now here we are,  you’re 16!… In two short years you’ll be packing your bags for college, work, or wherever God has you going next. You’ll be voting and driving. Thinking about adult topics like careers and marriage.

But before that happens, I’d like to pass …on a few thoughts:

1. Don’t Neglect Your Most Important Relationship

I’m not talking about your relationship with me, or your relationship with your dad. Not even the relationship you’ll have with your future husband. I’m talking about your relationship with God. Always make time for Him.
Life won’t be perfect, but with HIM you will have all the wisdom, assurance, and comfort you need.

2. Try Your Best and Don’t Worry About the Rest.

You do not have to be perfect. None of us are perfect. You just continue putting out the effort and Trust God for the results.

3. Education Doesn’t End at 18 {or 22}

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but learning is a lifelong process. I’m WAY older than you and I still learn something new every day. Whatever you do, don’t ever stop learning.. about the little things and about yourself.

4. Risky Business is OK {Within Reason}

Risks. I know you hate them. I don’t think it’s so much the risk that is scary but the fear of failure. Most people are wrong about failure, though. Failure is not bad. It is merely a chance to learn from our mistakes (see point #3).

5. You  Are a “Masterpiece”.

I love that word. You are God’s masterpiece…a beautiful work of art. Treasured by me and by your dad and everyone who knows and loves you.
I know you have exciting times ahead! Life is never boring when you live it with your whole heart….
Love you to the moon and back!

 

 

If I Had Only…

fullsizeoutput_3617
Want to add a caption to this image? Click the Settings icon.
I often find myself wishing I had done SOME things differently.. “if I had only..”
1. Tried harder in school. – One of my biggest regrets is failing to finish what I started. Sometimes life just gets in the way. But I havent given up. I WILL DO THIS!
2. Taken better care of myself. – my face is showing the years of abuse of failing to put sunscreen, of baking in the sun lathered in baby oil. I wish I had started using moisturizer thirty years ago, not two.
​​
3. Traveled more – fortunately for me, my job has taken me to some amazing places. UNfortunately, it’s just not the same unless im sharing it with my family. I wish I had taken more time to see the world when I was younger and more free of responsibilities. Hopefully, I can make up for the lost time. There is a giant world out there and I want to see it all!
4. Taken a few more chances – although “playing it safe” got me to where I am now (where is that?) what was I so afraid of?
5.  Worried about my credit. – This should be the MOST important thing! If I had only listened to everyone who told me to stay away from those credit cards.
6. Not cared so much about what others thought – in the grand scheme of things, what difference did it make that I didnt get invited to that awesome party?
7. Spent more time with my grandparents – all of my grandparents are gone.. and so are their stories.
8. Learned how to cook. – My kids would eat a lot more than french fries and pizza.
9. NOT allowed myself to get caught up in drama. I mean, who really needs more drama..
10. Appreciated what was right in front of me .